Knock Knock
Who’s there?
X!
X who?
X for breakfast!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, I’m not leaving!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didn’t know you were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!
June 29, 2012
Passion through
Knock KnockWho’s there?Passion!Passion who?Passion through and I thought I’d say hello!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lionel!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Lionel!Lionel who?Lionel bite you if you put your head in its mouth!
June 28, 2012
Take a Hike
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
Bob In Trouble
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed, and started to give him the business.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed, and started to give him the business.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Police quotes
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or i’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or i’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Just how big were those two beers?
“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”
June 27, 2012
The Blonde and the Deodorant
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”
Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After they’ve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she’s seen any cops.
“Yes,” says the blonde.
“Are their lights on?”
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”
“Yes,” says the blonde.
“Are their lights on?”
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”
Blonde Patient
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
“You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
June 26, 2012
Birdie
Birdie, birdie in the sky,
Why’d you do that in my eye,
I’m not mad, I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.
Why’d you do that in my eye,
I’m not mad, I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.
Love Is a Gamble!
Love is a gamble
Kissing is a game
Boys do the fucking
Girls get the blame
9 months of pain
6 days in hospital
Baby needs a name
Daddies a barstard
Mummies a hore
It would never of happened
If the rubber hadn’t tore!
Kissing is a game
Boys do the fucking
Girls get the blame
9 months of pain
6 days in hospital
Baby needs a name
Daddies a barstard
Mummies a hore
It would never of happened
If the rubber hadn’t tore!
Father Father
Father Father I must confess,
I got my girlfriend in an awful mess.
I laid her down so naked and bare,
I stuck something up her that shouldn’t have been there.
Son son you stupid fucker.
When I was your age I used something rubber.
Father father no need to get upset.
I did use something rubber,
BUT THE DAMN THING BURST!
I got my girlfriend in an awful mess.
I laid her down so naked and bare,
I stuck something up her that shouldn’t have been there.
Son son you stupid fucker.
When I was your age I used something rubber.
Father father no need to get upset.
I did use something rubber,
BUT THE DAMN THING BURST!
June 24, 2012
The Lie Detector Robot
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!” With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!” With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Blondes Knock Knock
Q: Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door.
A: Because they go answer the door.
Knock Knock Grandma
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone?
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone?
Worst Knock Knock Joke Ever
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Smell Mop…
Smell Mop Who
and for those i need to explain it to
Smell Mop Who = Smell My Poo
Who’s there?
Smell Mop…
Smell Mop Who
and for those i need to explain it to
Smell Mop Who = Smell My Poo
June 23, 2012
Portuguese accent
The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table he smiled broadly and shouted, "Foka! Foka!"
"No," I said, "If you fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure you'll go to prison on some 'humping and endangered species' charge."
"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."
"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?
"No," I said, "If you fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure you'll go to prison on some 'humping and endangered species' charge."
"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."
"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?
Go all to pieces
Little Johnny and his girl were parked one dark summer night in Lover's Lane, when all of a sudden she said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
Little Johnny replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want."
Little Johnny replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want."
Cool Ebonic Translations
"Luke, I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, b*tch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Sh**t"
"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo a*s."
"We're off to see the wizard."
Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: F*****ck You!
"We're going to need a bigger boat."
Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha f*cka? Turn this piece-a-sh*t around and get my black a*s back to shore!
"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da f*ck is Spartacus?"
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, b*tch!"
"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Sh**t"
"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo a*s."
"We're off to see the wizard."
Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."
"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: F*****ck You!
"We're going to need a bigger boat."
Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha f*cka? Turn this piece-a-sh*t around and get my black a*s back to shore!
"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da f*ck is Spartacus?"
Big vs Small
Big Tits vs. Little Tits
Women with Big Tits...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
Women with Big Tits...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer
Women with Little Tits...
..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
June 22, 2012
The ugliest wife
These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.
And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to f*uck you, I just want to show you off!"
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.
And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to f*uck you, I just want to show you off!"
The Mortuary
The Mortician arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was approached by his assistant.
"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortician. "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course"
"What was the cause of death", inquired the mortician.
"I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her c*nt!"
"Are you sure", said the Mortician.
"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant opening the body bag.
The mortician closely examined the beautifully trimmed snatch.
"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris"
"Are you sure", said the assistant, "'Cos it certainly tasted like a prawn".
"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortician. "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course"
"What was the cause of death", inquired the mortician.
"I'm not sure", replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her c*nt!"
"Are you sure", said the Mortician.
"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant opening the body bag.
The mortician closely examined the beautifully trimmed snatch.
"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris"
"Are you sure", said the assistant, "'Cos it certainly tasted like a prawn".
Adult jokes-You may be a HO if
You May Be A Ho If......
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.
Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.
Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
Crap Encyclopedia: Part 1
Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.
But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
On the other hand (so to speak) there is:
The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.
The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.
The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
On the other hand (so to speak) there is:
The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.
The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.
The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
June 21, 2012
Erection Problem
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and £1, 500 a month living expenses."
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and £1, 500 a month living expenses."
Fosters
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of lager, any kind except Fosters. The bartender says, "What’s wrong with Fosters, don’t you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that sh*t. Last night I drank a case of Fosters and blew chunks.
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any lager, you’re going to blow chunks".
"You don’t understand" said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
The man says, "I hate that sh*t. Last night I drank a case of Fosters and blew chunks.
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any lager, you’re going to blow chunks".
"You don’t understand" said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
Batty
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn’t"
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn’t"
June 19, 2012
Budweister
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
“O-o-o-o-r-r-r… w-w-what?” stammers the bartender.
“A small Coke.”
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”
“O-o-o-o-r-r-r… w-w-what?” stammers the bartender.
“A small Coke.”
Hilarious Yo Mama jokes
Yo mama is so fat, when she jumped for joy she got stuck!
Yo mama is so stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!
Yo mama is so fat, she has had a deadly flesh eating virus for six years!
Yo mama is so poor, I went over your house and stepped on a cigarette, she asked “Who put out the lights?”!
Yo mama is so stupid, she got locked in Costco and starved to death!
Yo mama is so ugly, she looked into a mirror and the room shattered!
Yo mama is so stupid she stared at an orange juice for 30 minutes because it said CONCENTRATE!
Yo mama is so stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!
Yo mama is so fat, she has had a deadly flesh eating virus for six years!
Yo mama is so poor, I went over your house and stepped on a cigarette, she asked “Who put out the lights?”!
Yo mama is so stupid, she got locked in Costco and starved to death!
Yo mama is so ugly, she looked into a mirror and the room shattered!
Yo mama is so stupid she stared at an orange juice for 30 minutes because it said CONCENTRATE!
Flat Chest
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
June 18, 2012
Quotes About Marriage
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”-Woody Allen.
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”-Rodney Dangerfield.
“Ah, yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’sgenitals through his wallet.”-Robin Williams.
“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two peopleremembering the same thing.”-Duane Dewel.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the onethat’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”-Helen Rowland
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America…The rest cheat in Europe.”-Jackie Mason
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in thehope of pulling out an eel.”-Leonardo Di Vinci.
“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t likeand give her a house.”-Lewis Grizzard.
“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage license made out towhom it may concern.”-Mickey Rooney.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”-Rodney Dangerfield.
“The difference between divorce and legal separationis that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”-Johnny Carson
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”-Rodney Dangerfield.
“Ah, yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’sgenitals through his wallet.”-Robin Williams.
“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two peopleremembering the same thing.”-Duane Dewel.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the onethat’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”-Helen Rowland
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America…The rest cheat in Europe.”-Jackie Mason
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in thehope of pulling out an eel.”-Leonardo Di Vinci.
“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t likeand give her a house.”-Lewis Grizzard.
“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage license made out towhom it may concern.”-Mickey Rooney.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”-Rodney Dangerfield.
“The difference between divorce and legal separationis that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”-Johnny Carson
Terrible cold
Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.
It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.
It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.
Beer quotes
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
–His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton
People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson
–Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
–His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton
People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson
New Jersey tanning mom
The New Jersey tanning mom now says she wants to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Well, Playboy says they're looking for women who are hot, not burnt orange.
- Jay Leno
- Jay Leno
What Really Happened
“I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying – that’s what I get paid for.”
– England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn’t win a game.
“I have always found strangers sexy.”
– Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
“I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear.”
– Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
“That rainbow song’s no good. Take it out.”
– MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
“You’d better learn secretarial skills or else get married.”
– Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
“Radio has no future.” “X-rays are clearly a hoax”. “The aeroplane is scientifically impossible.”
– Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
“You ought to go back to driving a truck.”
– Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
“Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.”
– MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
“Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”
– A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.
“Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work.”
– Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle’s plan for the jet engine.
“There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991.”
– World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
“The Beatles? They’re on the wane.”
– The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
“The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives.”
– U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
“All saved from Titanic after collision.”
– New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
“Brain work will cause women to go bald.”
– Berlin professor, 1914.
“Television won’t matter in your lifetime or mine.”
– Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
– Director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
“And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam.”
– Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
– England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn’t win a game.
“I have always found strangers sexy.”
– Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
“I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear.”
– Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
“That rainbow song’s no good. Take it out.”
– MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
“You’d better learn secretarial skills or else get married.”
– Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
“Radio has no future.” “X-rays are clearly a hoax”. “The aeroplane is scientifically impossible.”
– Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
“You ought to go back to driving a truck.”
– Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
“Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.”
– MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
“Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”
– A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.
“Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work.”
– Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle’s plan for the jet engine.
“There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991.”
– World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
“The Beatles? They’re on the wane.”
– The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
“The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives.”
– U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
“All saved from Titanic after collision.”
– New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
“Brain work will cause women to go bald.”
– Berlin professor, 1914.
“Television won’t matter in your lifetime or mine.”
– Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
– Director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
“And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam.”
– Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
Tired of running
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He got mad. He nailed down my other foot.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-Rodney Dangerfield
June 17, 2012
Mayor forever
In New York City we've got a guy named Michael Bloomberg who is the mayor. The only public official who has been in office longer than Mayor Bloomberg is Santa.
An important lesson for kids
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
Light bulbs
After listening to other kids in the classroom telling all the cool talents their parents have, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
Quickly thinking of something just as good or better than the talents of the other kids' parents, Little Johnny thought of something. Little Johnny exclaimed, "My dad eats light bulbs!"
All through the classroom there were remarks of "Cool!"
The teacher, in shock, asked,
"What makes you think your father eats light bulbs?"
Little Johnny replies, "The other night when I was in bed, my dad said,'Honey, if you turn the light out I will eat it.'
Quickly thinking of something just as good or better than the talents of the other kids' parents, Little Johnny thought of something. Little Johnny exclaimed, "My dad eats light bulbs!"
All through the classroom there were remarks of "Cool!"
The teacher, in shock, asked,
"What makes you think your father eats light bulbs?"
Little Johnny replies, "The other night when I was in bed, my dad said,'Honey, if you turn the light out I will eat it.'
June 16, 2012
Give Women...
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
Why is this important for every man to know?
Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
Why is this important for every man to know?
Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return
Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
William and Dad
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
Snow Plow
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Stay...
I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded supermarket the other day and rolled down the windows to make sure my new Labrador puppy had some fresh air.
He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats.
I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY."
Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."
He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats.
I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY."
Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."
Dead Blonde
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
June 15, 2012
What is Easter?
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
You'll Fart Your Guts Out
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
yo momma taxi joke
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
yo momma ford "focas" joke
Yo mamma's so stupid, she stared at a Ford for an hour because it said "Focus."
ocean momma joke
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
June 14, 2012
Alcohol and Hot Dogs
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
15 Signs You Are a Drunk
15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
Know I know my ABC’s...
There was a little kid who needed to learn the ABC’s for homework. He went to his big sister who was talking on the phone. “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?”" “”Shutup!”"
Next he went to his older brother who was in the bathroom. “”What’s the second letter of the alphabet?”" “”Down the toliet
Next he went to his older brother who was in the bathroom. “”What’s the second letter of the alphabet?”" “”Down the toliet
Retarded boy
once upon a time their was a boy named jason.Everyone called him retarded because he acted retarted.They went to the zoo and the first thing they went to go see was the sharks.One boy said” what is that with the sharp teeth”"
June 13, 2012
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: He still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
A: He still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Blonde Tree Hunt
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen wood searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
June 12, 2012
The alphabet
Jimmy was in kindergarten and had to go to the bathroom. His teacher made him recite the alphabet before going to the bathroom. “ok”"
Women rights…
It happened that all the women of the world gathered togheter to
make up an experiment: how would their husbands respond to
womens’ refuse of making the house work…
After one month they gathered again to see the results of
experiment:
Mary from England says: “Well, i went home and told John, my
husband, that i refuse to work anymore. So first day i didn’t
see much thing, but after a week i could see that John started
to make food, wash dishes, and all the stuff.”
Marie from France says: “I went home and told Jean that i won’t
work anymore in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see much
thing, but after a week i could see that Jean started to take
care of kids, make the cleaning, iron the clothes, and so on.”
Maria from Romania says: “I went home and told my Ion that i
will stop working in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see
much thing, but after a week i started to see with my left
eye…”
make up an experiment: how would their husbands respond to
womens’ refuse of making the house work…
After one month they gathered again to see the results of
experiment:
Mary from England says: “Well, i went home and told John, my
husband, that i refuse to work anymore. So first day i didn’t
see much thing, but after a week i could see that John started
to make food, wash dishes, and all the stuff.”
Marie from France says: “I went home and told Jean that i won’t
work anymore in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see much
thing, but after a week i could see that Jean started to take
care of kids, make the cleaning, iron the clothes, and so on.”
Maria from Romania says: “I went home and told my Ion that i
will stop working in the house. So, the first day i didn’t see
much thing, but after a week i started to see with my left
eye…”
June 11, 2012
Little Jonny in the Garden
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Little Johnny?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Little Johnny?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Smart Duck
A duck walks into a bar and asks: “Got any Bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any bread!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any bread, and if you ask me again and I’ll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No”
Duck says: “Got any bread?
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we have no bread.”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, we haven’t got any bread!”
Duck says: “Got any bread?”
Barman says: “No, are you deaf?! We haven’t got any bread, and if you ask me again and I’ll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!”
Duck says: “Got any nails?”
Barman says: “No”
Duck says: “Got any bread?
Which one came first egg or chicken?
Q:Which one came first egg or chicken?
A: I don't care I just want my breakfast served.
A: I don't care I just want my breakfast served.
the difference between a jeweler and a jailer
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A: One sells watches and one watches cells.
A: One sells watches and one watches cells.
difference between bird and fly
Q: What is the different between bird and fly?
A: Bird can fly, but fly cant bird.
A: Bird can fly, but fly cant bird.
Talking Dog
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
The dog answers with a muffled "RUD." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "Ronaldinho?"
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
The dog answers with a muffled "RUD." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "Ronaldinho?"
June 10, 2012
Bar Joke
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
Black Eyes
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Logical Thinking
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.
“What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what class are ya taking’?” asked the friend.
“logical thinking class!” replied the first redneck.
“What the hell is logical thinking?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”
The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.
“What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what class are ya taking’?” asked the friend.
“logical thinking class!” replied the first redneck.
“What the hell is logical thinking?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”
School jokes
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
June 09, 2012
Classic Little Johnny
Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.
Johnny asks his father, “What are those dogs doing?”
“Well they are making puppies,” his dad says.
The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, “Hey they are making puppies!”
That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, “What are you two doing?”
“Well we are making you a baby sister,” said his dad.
“No no no” yells Johnny, “roll her over and make me some puppies!”
Johnny asks his father, “What are those dogs doing?”
“Well they are making puppies,” his dad says.
The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, “Hey they are making puppies!”
That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, “What are you two doing?”
“Well we are making you a baby sister,” said his dad.
“No no no” yells Johnny, “roll her over and make me some puppies!”
June 08, 2012
And Then The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
----------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
What would you do?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
June 07, 2012
Ever made love to Ghost?
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: “Who here has seen a ghost?”
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: “Who here has spoken with a ghost?”
Half the audience puts up their hands. “And who here has touched a ghost?” Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: “And who here has made love with a ghost?” One little man in the back row puts up his hand…
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: “Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?”
The man replies, “Oh No! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you correctly. I thought you said ‘goat’.”
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: “Who here has spoken with a ghost?”
Half the audience puts up their hands. “And who here has touched a ghost?” Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: “And who here has made love with a ghost?” One little man in the back row puts up his hand…
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: “Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?”
The man replies, “Oh No! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you correctly. I thought you said ‘goat’.”
Clean Short Jokes
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
Filthy One Liners
On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Short Filthy Jokes
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.
What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.
Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.
What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
Question and Answer for a laugh
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs
Learning Part
Quite straightforward ha?
Similarity = Noun of similar means a correspond feature of something
woman's period = The monthly flow of blood that woman have; also called menses
Mosquito = Two wings insects. The female sucks blood for living.
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs
Learning Part
Quite straightforward ha?
Similarity = Noun of similar means a correspond feature of something
woman's period = The monthly flow of blood that woman have; also called menses
Mosquito = Two wings insects. The female sucks blood for living.
June 06, 2012
Farmer and Wife
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. “That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. Ive hung a nail by the right stall so youll know which one I want him to impregnate.” Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here, ” she tells him.
“Whats the nail for?” the guy asks.
Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”
That afternoon, the inseminator arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here, ” she tells him.
“Whats the nail for?” the guy asks.
Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”
Funny Poem
Funny poem must look!
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****ed it,
and called it a cunt.
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****ed it,
and called it a cunt.
June 05, 2012
Fair Trade
A husband comfortably laid down on the couch before his wife comes in and ask
"Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?"
"Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied.
"Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again.
"Do you think i work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband.
"So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time.
"Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied.
The husband feel so annoying by his wife and angrily leave the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refriegerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?"
The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass and ask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offer me that he would do everything for me if I either make love with him or bake him some cookies.
The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?"
"Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife
"Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?"
"Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied.
"Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again.
"Do you think i work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband.
"So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time.
"Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied.
The husband feel so annoying by his wife and angrily leave the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refriegerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?"
The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass and ask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offer me that he would do everything for me if I either make love with him or bake him some cookies.
The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?"
"Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife
Yo Mama So Old:
Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.
Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.
Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.
Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.
Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.
Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.
Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.
Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.
Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.
What is Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback
Heart Problem
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
June 04, 2012
Saving Method
An uncle has been waiting for the bus at the bus stops. After few minutes, the bus arrives but did not stop at the bus stop. The uncle thought it will stop a bit further so he start running after the bus.
Unfortunately, the bus never stop. It keeps running. The uncle keeps following the bus until he realizes that he arrives home already.
The uncle is very happy that he can save a bit of money today.
He happily told his wife "Honey, you know, today I ran after the bus until arriving home. I don't have to pay the bus fee"
"Stupid" instead of compliment, the wife surprisingly blames her husband. "Do you know how much you can save, if you ran after taxi!!"
Unfortunately, the bus never stop. It keeps running. The uncle keeps following the bus until he realizes that he arrives home already.
The uncle is very happy that he can save a bit of money today.
He happily told his wife "Honey, you know, today I ran after the bus until arriving home. I don't have to pay the bus fee"
"Stupid" instead of compliment, the wife surprisingly blames her husband. "Do you know how much you can save, if you ran after taxi!!"
Horse Letter
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
Two Accountants
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
When elephant and ant got married
An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.
During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"Crap," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave."
During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"Crap," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave."
Easy / Difficult Question
In one interview, the interviewer got impatient about one guy because he could answer all the questions so quickly and arrogantly.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
I "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side.
Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How??" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
I "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side.
Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How??" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Admission for the course was thus secured.
Weight Loss
A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The weight thought he is trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said.
"You know. I don't think that will help you anything"
The husband replies "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale"
"You know. I don't think that will help you anything"
The husband replies "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale"
The Power of Love
Wife : You keep my photo in the wallet all the time?
Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone.
Wife : See? I am your miracle right?
Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!
Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone.
Wife : See? I am your miracle right?
Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!
Dear Boss
Dear Boss,
People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted
That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.
Short Funny Jokes - ADVERTISING
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows:
"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size of this."
"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement for the place."
"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size of this."
"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.
"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."
"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement for the place."
What guys really think when they proposed.
A funny joke you can use in a relax conversation, especially when you are in a group of women only.
What guys really think when they proposed.
"When guys got down on bended knee, took a lady's hand, looked into the eye and said, "I'd like you to take my last name. Remember, they always put another sentence in their mind ........and add my last name to your checking account."
What guys really think when they proposed.
"When guys got down on bended knee, took a lady's hand, looked into the eye and said, "I'd like you to take my last name. Remember, they always put another sentence in their mind ........and add my last name to your checking account."
June 03, 2012
AGE
"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.
"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm on the cars I'm four."
"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"
"No, indeed—why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.
"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.
"No; but she knows I know how old she is—we were both born on the same day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."
As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."
"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother."
When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"
THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)—"When a man reaches your age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very much longer, and I—"
THE NONAGENARIAN—"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were when I started!"
A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.
It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.
That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:
"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."—Edwin Tarrisse.
A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's thirty-one!"
The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little exercise."
"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of exercise."
With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"—Sarah Bache Hodge.
"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm on the cars I'm four."
"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"
"No, indeed—why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.
"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.
"No; but she knows I know how old she is—we were both born on the same day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."
As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."
"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother."
When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"
THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)—"When a man reaches your age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very much longer, and I—"
THE NONAGENARIAN—"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were when I started!"
A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.
It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.
That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:
"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."—Edwin Tarrisse.
A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's thirty-one!"
The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious. I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little exercise."
"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of exercise."
With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"—Sarah Bache Hodge.
June 02, 2012
Joke of the Day. Daily Jokes
President Bush has declared war on the bird flu. I don’t think he learns from his mistakes, like today he made a speech at a bird sanctuary in front of a big banner that said, "Mission accomplished!”
Funny Jokes.
Saddam Hussein went on trial today. I had no idea he worked in the Bush White House.
Really Funny Clean Jokes
The trial has begun. And Saddam’s lawyers say they will accept any judge except Harriet Miers. They don’t feel she is qualified.
Really Funny Clean Jokes
JVPD8HTDXSK4
Funny Jokes.
Saddam Hussein went on trial today. I had no idea he worked in the Bush White House.
Really Funny Clean Jokes
The trial has begun. And Saddam’s lawyers say they will accept any judge except Harriet Miers. They don’t feel she is qualified.
Really Funny Clean Jokes
JVPD8HTDXSK4
FUNNY JOKES LEAP YEAR
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:
"George, as it is leap year—"
The caller turned pale.
"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose—"
"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted hurriedly.
"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance."—L.F. Clarke.
"George, as it is leap year—"
The caller turned pale.
"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose—"
"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted hurriedly.
"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance."—L.F. Clarke.
Bush at School
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"
Nice Bike
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Tough Surgery
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?â€
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,†said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!â€
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?â€
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,†Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!â€
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,†said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!â€
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?â€
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,†Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!â€
Deep Dark Secrets
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
Sneek a Peek
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Brutal Honesty
A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admire.
“What a great picture,†she says to one little boy. “Who is it?â€
“That’s my dad,†he says proudly.
“Tell me more about your father,†the teacher says. “What’s he like?â€
The kid shrugs. “Beer and pussy.â€
“What a great picture,†she says to one little boy. “Who is it?â€
“That’s my dad,†he says proudly.
“Tell me more about your father,†the teacher says. “What’s he like?â€
The kid shrugs. “Beer and pussy.â€
Math Grade
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said '6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"
The father then replies, "Well, what the fuck is the difference?"
The boys says, "Well that's what I said!"
A Girl and Her Twinkie
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
Satan and Santa
Two boys are walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong sermon about the devil.
One says, “What do you think about all that Satan stuff?â€
The other boy replies, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.â€
One says, “What do you think about all that Satan stuff?â€
The other boy replies, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.â€
Swallowed Whole
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Baby What?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Little Johnny
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.''
Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.â€
The man says, “Yes, it is.â€
Boy: “I have a baseball.â€
Man: “That’s nice.â€
Boy: “Want to buy it.â€
Man: “No, thanks.â€
Boy: “My dad’s outside.â€
Man: “OK, how much?â€
Boy: “$25.00â€
The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.â€
Man: “Yes, it is.â€
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.â€
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?â€
Boy: “$75.00â€
Man: “Fine.â€
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.†The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.â€
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?â€
Boy: “$100.00â€
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.â€
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.â€
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.â€
The little boy says, “Dark in here.â€
The man says, “Yes, it is.â€
Boy: “I have a baseball.â€
Man: “That’s nice.â€
Boy: “Want to buy it.â€
Man: “No, thanks.â€
Boy: “My dad’s outside.â€
Man: “OK, how much?â€
Boy: “$25.00â€
The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.â€
Man: “Yes, it is.â€
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.â€
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?â€
Boy: “$75.00â€
Man: “Fine.â€
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.†The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.â€
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?â€
Boy: “$100.00â€
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.â€
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.â€
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.â€
Brains
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied
Brokeback Spiders
A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
Not in the Pool!
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Nice collection of short funny jokes 2012
1.Marriage proposal
.A young boy have come to meet a man saying that he wants to marry her daughter.
Father: What do you do?
Boy: I do robbery, stealing, murder etc.
Father: But that’s are all the negative activity. Is there any positive thing that you have?
Boy: Oh, yes sir. I am HIV positive.
2. Shopping
A man went to a shop to buy a tie for him.
Salesman: How can I help you sir?
Man: I am looking for a tie which will be the mixed color of milk and coffee.
Salesman: Okay sir. But let me know first whether you will take sugar or not?
3.Father and son
A dad is talking to his little son.
Dad: What you do when I become angry with you?
Son: Actually I go to the toilet, dad.
Dad: Toilet? Why?
Son: I just clean the toilet.
Dad: That’s strange. Why do you do that?
Son: I just use your toothbrush to clean the toilet!
4. Comb
A man goes to a shop and ask the salesman for a comb.
Salesman: Good evening sir. How can I help you?
Man: One of my comb’s teeth has just broken. So I need to buy a comb.
Salesman: But that’s just one teeth, sir. You have the rest of them.
Man: Not actually. Because that was the last teeth in the comb.
5. Advertisement
Two businessman talking to each other.
Man 1: Do you know about newspaper advertisement whether it really works or not?
Man 2: It really works. Cause last week I advertised in newspaper that I need a night guard for my store. And that night my store was stolen!
6. Mother and son
Mother: Son, there were some sweets in the freeze for guests. But now there are only two. I am sure it was you.
Son: Sorry mother, I didn’t see the rest of the two because of the load shedding.
7. World tour
A young lady is ready for her world tour. A man asking her-
Man: As a virgin you are in the risk to travelling by yourself for the world tour, do you know that?
Lady: Not at all. Cause I have learnt one sentence in all languages of the world. So I will be safe.
Man: What was that?
Lady: I have AIDS.
8. Doctor
Doctor and patient are talking together-
Doctor: Analyzing your physical condition I have found that you have food poisoning. So you need to take one cup of hot water every morning.
Patient: I drink that every day! But my wife called it tea.
9. Matchmaker
Matchmaker talking with a client-
Matchmaker : The girl that I am suggesting for your son is very sweet.
Client: Then this wedding should not be happened.
Matchmaker: Why?
Client: My son has diabetes.
10. Husband and wife
Husband and wife talking-
Wife: Wouldn’t you cry for me if I die?
Husband: Of course dear.
Wife: I don’t believe you.
Husband: Okay, then take my test now.
.A young boy have come to meet a man saying that he wants to marry her daughter.
Father: What do you do?
Boy: I do robbery, stealing, murder etc.
Father: But that’s are all the negative activity. Is there any positive thing that you have?
Boy: Oh, yes sir. I am HIV positive.
2. Shopping
A man went to a shop to buy a tie for him.
Salesman: How can I help you sir?
Man: I am looking for a tie which will be the mixed color of milk and coffee.
Salesman: Okay sir. But let me know first whether you will take sugar or not?
3.Father and son
A dad is talking to his little son.
Dad: What you do when I become angry with you?
Son: Actually I go to the toilet, dad.
Dad: Toilet? Why?
Son: I just clean the toilet.
Dad: That’s strange. Why do you do that?
Son: I just use your toothbrush to clean the toilet!
4. Comb
A man goes to a shop and ask the salesman for a comb.
Salesman: Good evening sir. How can I help you?
Man: One of my comb’s teeth has just broken. So I need to buy a comb.
Salesman: But that’s just one teeth, sir. You have the rest of them.
Man: Not actually. Because that was the last teeth in the comb.
5. Advertisement
Two businessman talking to each other.
Man 1: Do you know about newspaper advertisement whether it really works or not?
Man 2: It really works. Cause last week I advertised in newspaper that I need a night guard for my store. And that night my store was stolen!
6. Mother and son
Mother: Son, there were some sweets in the freeze for guests. But now there are only two. I am sure it was you.
Son: Sorry mother, I didn’t see the rest of the two because of the load shedding.
7. World tour
A young lady is ready for her world tour. A man asking her-
Man: As a virgin you are in the risk to travelling by yourself for the world tour, do you know that?
Lady: Not at all. Cause I have learnt one sentence in all languages of the world. So I will be safe.
Man: What was that?
Lady: I have AIDS.
8. Doctor
Doctor and patient are talking together-
Doctor: Analyzing your physical condition I have found that you have food poisoning. So you need to take one cup of hot water every morning.
Patient: I drink that every day! But my wife called it tea.
9. Matchmaker
Matchmaker talking with a client-
Matchmaker : The girl that I am suggesting for your son is very sweet.
Client: Then this wedding should not be happened.
Matchmaker: Why?
Client: My son has diabetes.
10. Husband and wife
Husband and wife talking-
Wife: Wouldn’t you cry for me if I die?
Husband: Of course dear.
Wife: I don’t believe you.
Husband: Okay, then take my test now.
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