do you know who i am?

Boy- The principle is so dumb
Girl- do you know who i am?
Boy- no
Girl- i am the principles daughter
Boy- do you know who i am?
Girl- no
Boy- good (walks away)

Spongebob & Squidward

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)

Facebook Status

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

3 drunk guys

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Police

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

Little Johnny stands up

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Alcohol

Bill was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Marriage

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.
- What happened to you?
- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm
- But why is your foot bandaged?
- I kicked it back!

At School

- Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

We're all gonna die

- Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day, you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

Chicken rest

Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day!

Trunks

Why can’t elephants go on the beach?
Because they can’t keep there trunks up

funny chicken road

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to your house!
…..
Knock Knock
Who’s there…
The chicken.

parrot

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Bear teeth

What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!

Dogs

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

Wife + Computer = Trouble

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.
Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Alpha Male

Alpha Male Chat-Up Line:
Get your coat love …..
…I’ve got a knife

Getting Head

If I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head?

Nature of Knowledge

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Knee Sitting Line

Come and sit on my knee and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.

New in town chat up line short jokes

I’m new in town, could I have the directions to your house please?

Next Girlfriend

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Best chat up line

Q. How much does a polar bear weigh?
A. I don’t know
R. Neither do I but it broke the ice

You Can Call Me

People call me Dave, but you can call me Tonight!

Seduce Fat Woman

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

Never Quiet

Why don’t women fart? Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Traffic

Yo mama is so fat that she causes traffic jams when she goes out walking.

Milk

What Bee’s produce milk? Boo’bees.

What is ABCDEFG?

What is ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!
But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!

Times have changed

Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, a father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

Side effects

A man is cutting sides of a capsule before talking it. His neighbour saw this and asked him, “Why are you cutting the sides of the capsule?
He replied, “To avoid side effects.”

You Daddy!!

One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, “Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mommy asked?”
In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”