Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

Real water bed

Real Water Bed Video ads
  Wanna try this real Water Bed ? :D

Short funny dirty jokes

Funny Dirty Joke 1
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo
Funny Dirty Joke 2
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar
Funny Dirty Joke 3
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Funny Dirty Joke 4
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
Funny Dirty Joke 5
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
Funny Dirty Joke 6
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Funny Dirty Joke 7
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.
Funny Dirty Joke 8
What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Funny Dirty Joke 9
What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time.
Funny Dirty Joke 10
What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Funny Dirty Joke 11
What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.
Funny Dirty Joke 12
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Funny Dirty Joke 13
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Funny Dirty Joke 14
What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
Snowballs.
Funny Dirty Joke 15
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Funny Dirty Joke 16
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Funny Dirty Joke 17
What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Funny Dirty Joke 18
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Funny Dirty Joke 19
What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Funny Dirty Joke 20
What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Funny Dirty Joke 21
What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.
Funny Dirty Joke 22
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Funny Dirty Joke 23
What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Funny Dirty Joke 24
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip Poker
Funny Dirty Joke 25
What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.
Funny Dirty Joke 26
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.
Funny Dirty Joke 27
What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
Nice dick!
Funny Dirty Joke 28
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Funny Dirty Joke 29
What’s a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dick heads.
Funny Dirty Joke 30
What’s another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough
Funny Dirty Joke 31
What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Funny Dirty Joke 32
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s First Movement.
Funny Dirty Joke 33
What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.
Funny Dirty Joke 34
What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit’s Finger
Funny Dirty Joke 35
What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.
Funny Dirty Joke 36
What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurfette with her period.
Funny Dirty Joke 37
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit
Funny Dirty Joke 38
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Funny Dirty Joke 39
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!
Funny Dirty Joke 40
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!
Funny Dirty Joke 41
What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!
Funny Dirty Joke 42
What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.
Funny Dirty Joke 43
What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Funny Dirty Joke 44
What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Funny Dirty Joke 45
What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
Funny Dirty Joke 46
What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Funny Dirty Joke 47
What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Funny Dirty Joke 48
What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Funny Dirty Joke 49
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Funny Dirty Joke 50
What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Definitely

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Contagious

A Teacher asked her class of seven year olds if anyone could explain the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Shannon put her hand in the air and says "When I was five I had chickenpox and had to stay at home because the doctor told my mother chickenpox was contagious."

The teacher replied "Yes Shannon that is a very good example well done."

Then young Seamus put his hand in the air and said "My next door neighbor was painting the outside of her house with a 2 inch paintbrush and my dad said that it will take the contagious!"

Where Do Babies Come From?

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "wont it knock all my teeth out?"

And Then The Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....
----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

From Gynecologist to Mechanic

From Gynecologist to Mechanic
28
269
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Music Farting

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

The Queen's Breasts

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

Joys of Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Help Doc

A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, I'm having trouble in the bedroom. I just can't get into it with my wife any more."

The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."

The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."

The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"

20 years with my wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Portuguese jokes one liners

Qu.   Why does an Argentine stare at the sky and smile when there is lightning?
Ans. He thinks God is taking his picture...

Qu.   How does an Argentine commit suicide?
Ans. He climbs onto his ego and jumps down, but he doesn't die from the impact; he starves to death on the way down...

Qu.   If the Argentines are the best, why did they lose the Falklands War?
Ans. They didn't lose, they were the vice-champions...



Portuguese jokes one liners

Genie grants a wish

An insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"Ok, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Applying for life insurance

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment, the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way,'" the salesman said.

Woman, man & insurance

These two jokes are compliments of students in CE seminars:

Question: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?

Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?

Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures.

The underwriter & his wife

Underwriter's wife: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" 

Underwriter: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." 

Underwriter's wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" 

Underwriter: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"

Statue

An insurance agent went to a museum and he accidentally hit a statue.

Museum Administrator: “That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!”

Insurance agent: “Thank God! I thought it was a new one.”

Dreaming Numbers

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

Drunk

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

Beat the Casino

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers

Broken Cage

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"

$8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.
- What happened to you?
- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm
- But why is your foot bandaged?
- I kicked it back!

At school

- Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

We're all gonna die

- Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day, you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

like Coke bottle

Hubby : Darling years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.


Wife : Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it is 1.5ltr.