Divorced Barbie

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Am I pretty or ugly?

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

ABCDEFGHIJK

Wife: "How would you describe me?"Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Little Johny

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

Crown

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

Cross Breed

What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark?

 I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.

Snow Woman

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

Life With A Blonde Teenager

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Big Fight

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.

Too bad, says the bartender.How it end?

Well,replies the guy,when it was over, the old lady came to me on her hands and knees.What she say?asks the bartender.

She said,Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit.

Big Trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

10 missed calls from wife

All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!

Apple

Through Apple - Vitamin
Through Vitamin - Power
Through Power - Work
Through work - Money
Through Money - Love
Through Love - Marriage
Through Marriage - Wife
Through Wife - Tension
Through Tension - Illness
Through Illness- APPLE

In marriage

In marriage, daughter runs and goes back to her room..
Mother stops her on the way and says: please do not go back, just go with your hubby.
Daughter: Please leave me, I am just going back to take my phone charger, it is gonna die!

dog's credit

On the wall there was a note - Dogs are peeing.
But a man still did it.
Another man asked: why you are doing so?
He replied: See I am doing and it goes to dog's credit.

Empty Stomach

How many Pear you can eat when your stomach is empty?

Girl: 7 Pears.
No, you are wrong, you can eat only one.
Girl: How can you say that.
Because when you eat 2nd Pear, your stomach will not empty!