Life With A Blonde Teenager

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.
- What happened to you?
- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm
- But why is your foot bandaged?
- I kicked it back!

Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.
- What happened to you?
- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm
- But why is your foot bandaged?
- I kicked it back!

The Other Side

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

Stolen Engine

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche and she sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road.

She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, and while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.'

3 Detectives

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
“This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Blonde Year in Review

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.

March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 – 4 years”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?

October- Hate M&M’s – they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December – Couldn’t dial 911- duh – there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.

The Blonde and the Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”

Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After they’ve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she’s seen any cops.

“Yes,” says the blonde.

“Are their lights on?”

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”

Blonde Patient

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

“You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

Stay...

I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded supermarket the other day and rolled down the windows to make sure my new Labrador puppy had some fresh air.

He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats.

I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY."

Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."

Dead Blonde

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

A: He still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Blonde Tree Hunt

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen wood searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

Let the blonde jokes begin

A vegetarian blonde makes a fool of herself on TV.