I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music
before Thanksgiving.
The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your
parents.
Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in
case the Mayans were right?
For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.
All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer
Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it
"dumb and gay"
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is
imaginary.
I got more hoes than Santa Claus.
It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my
opinion.
Yo mama so fat when she triend to talk to Santa Clause, Santa Clause
said "Why u doing the harlem shake?"
May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your
pocket!
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body
rejected the transplant and you died.
To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.
A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not
very happy.
A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back
from Santa: send me your mother!
So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so
wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
for Christmas!
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I
beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new
job the next day.
Dear Santa, I can explain.....
Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d
been good this year!
your mum is so fat that I took a picture of her last christmas and its
still printing!
Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it.
It's about who's around it
Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.
I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during
the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret
Santa.
December 25, 2014
Christmas Morning
On Christmas morning, a police on horseback had stop for a while.
A kid was beside him and the police said "Did Santa give you that bicycle."
The kid said yes.
Then the police man said "Next time tell Santa to put a taillight on it."
He gave the kid a ticket fined $20.
Before the police left, the kid asked "Did Santa give you the horse?"
The police, joking, said yes.
Then the kid said "Next time, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."
A kid was beside him and the police said "Did Santa give you that bicycle."
The kid said yes.
Then the police man said "Next time tell Santa to put a taillight on it."
He gave the kid a ticket fined $20.
Before the police left, the kid asked "Did Santa give you the horse?"
The police, joking, said yes.
Then the kid said "Next time, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."
Christmas Jokes
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.
Q: What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
A: It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinselitis!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa
Who dosen't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
to keep her off the North Pole
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses
Q: Which Limp Bizkit song did the Elf listen to while building toys?
A: He did it all for the cookies!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
A: It doesn’t have legs.
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
A: Limp Bizkit
Q: Name the child's favorite Christmas king?
A: A stocking.
Q: What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
A: a workshop
Q: What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful.
Q: What part of the body do you only see during Christmas?
A: mistletoe.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says "toy not included".
Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
A: Silent Night
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs.
What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
A: Even the small ones give satisfaction
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Q: What did the snowman eat?
A: icebergs with chilli sauce.
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
What do you call a blind reindeer?.
I have no eye deer
What doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas?
Cause he's "Shell-Fish"
What do you call a scary reindeer?
A cariboo.
What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence?
A santa clause
What do you call a wet animal?
"A reindeer"
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you..
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards
Q: What do you call a smelly Santa?
A: "Farter Christmas"
Why is Santa's sack so full?
Because he only comes once a year
I think Christmas is near!
Because i see a ho! ho! ho!
What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school?
Gnome-work!
When is Santa's favorite time of year?
The flalalalalalalala days
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
A: Santa paws!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
A: Santa claws!
Why does santa have three gardens?
so he can ho ho ho
Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
because she was a ho ho ho.
What do you call an elf that sings?
ELFIS
Boy: Are you Christmas? Because I wanna merry you!
Girl: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck The Halls.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
Did u kiss santa?
No I just slept with him.
I made Santa say Ho Ho Ho.
A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.
Q: What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
A: It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinselitis!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa
Who dosen't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
to keep her off the North Pole
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses
Q: Which Limp Bizkit song did the Elf listen to while building toys?
A: He did it all for the cookies!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
A: It doesn’t have legs.
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
A: Limp Bizkit
Q: Name the child's favorite Christmas king?
A: A stocking.
Q: What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
A: a workshop
Q: What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful.
Q: What part of the body do you only see during Christmas?
A: mistletoe.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says "toy not included".
Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
A: Silent Night
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs.
What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
A: Even the small ones give satisfaction
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Q: What did the snowman eat?
A: icebergs with chilli sauce.
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
What do you call a blind reindeer?.
I have no eye deer
What doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas?
Cause he's "Shell-Fish"
What do you call a scary reindeer?
A cariboo.
What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence?
A santa clause
What do you call a wet animal?
"A reindeer"
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you..
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards
Q: What do you call a smelly Santa?
A: "Farter Christmas"
Why is Santa's sack so full?
Because he only comes once a year
I think Christmas is near!
Because i see a ho! ho! ho!
What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school?
Gnome-work!
When is Santa's favorite time of year?
The flalalalalalalala days
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
A: Santa paws!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
A: Santa claws!
Why does santa have three gardens?
so he can ho ho ho
Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
because she was a ho ho ho.
What do you call an elf that sings?
ELFIS
Boy: Are you Christmas? Because I wanna merry you!
Girl: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck The Halls.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
Did u kiss santa?
No I just slept with him.
I made Santa say Ho Ho Ho.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Nunya
Nunya Who?
Nunya Business
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Judo
Judo Who?
"What, Judo know ?"
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid calm down and be quiet.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Jesus
Jesus Who?
How many do you know?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cockadoodle
Cockadoodle Who?
Not cockadoodle who, you shit, cockadoodledoo!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Put!
Put who?
Put a sock in it and open the door.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Aunt Jemima
Aunt Jemima Who?
I'm glad I ain't joe mamma
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Razor!
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
William
William Who?
Williammind your own bussiness?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Boo
Boo Who?
You better cry you ninny!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Robin
Robin Who?
Robbing You!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stopper.
Stopper who?
Stop her she's running off with your newspaper!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Gorllia
Gorllia Who?
Gorllia Sandwich, I`m Hungry
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Butter!
Butter who?
It's butter if you don't know.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lady.
Lady who?
I'm gonna lady law down if you don't open the door.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Train!
Train Who?
Someone needs to train you to open the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
You're not!
You're not who?
You're not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Ben
Ben Who?
Ben Dover
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Archibald
Archibald Who?
Archibald on top of your head!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
KGB.
KGB Wh-.
*SLAP*
We will azk ze qvestionz.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dozen
Dozen who?
Dozen matter what you say, I do what I want
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Punch
Punch who?
Punch you.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Jesus
Jesus who?
Jesus Christ open the door
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Jig!
Jig who?
Jig is up your under arrest.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
No!
No who?
No ifs, ands or buts, open the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
If you cant!
If you can't who?
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Fight!
Fight who?
Fight fire with fire.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Madam
Madam who?
Help madam finger is stuck in the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say something about
YO MAMA
Who's There?
Nunya
Nunya Who?
Nunya Business
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Judo
Judo Who?
"What, Judo know ?"
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid calm down and be quiet.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Jesus
Jesus Who?
How many do you know?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Cockadoodle
Cockadoodle Who?
Not cockadoodle who, you shit, cockadoodledoo!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Put!
Put who?
Put a sock in it and open the door.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Aunt Jemima
Aunt Jemima Who?
I'm glad I ain't joe mamma
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Razor!
Razor who?
Razor hands, this is a stick up!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
William
William Who?
Williammind your own bussiness?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Boo
Boo Who?
You better cry you ninny!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Robin
Robin Who?
Robbing You!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stopper.
Stopper who?
Stop her she's running off with your newspaper!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Gorllia
Gorllia Who?
Gorllia Sandwich, I`m Hungry
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Butter!
Butter who?
It's butter if you don't know.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lady.
Lady who?
I'm gonna lady law down if you don't open the door.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Train!
Train Who?
Someone needs to train you to open the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
You're not!
You're not who?
You're not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Ben
Ben Who?
Ben Dover
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Archibald
Archibald Who?
Archibald on top of your head!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
KGB.
KGB Wh-.
*SLAP*
We will azk ze qvestionz.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dozen
Dozen who?
Dozen matter what you say, I do what I want
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Punch
Punch who?
Punch you.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Jesus
Jesus who?
Jesus Christ open the door
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Jig!
Jig who?
Jig is up your under arrest.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
No!
No who?
No ifs, ands or buts, open the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
If you cant!
If you can't who?
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Fight!
Fight who?
Fight fire with fire.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Madam
Madam who?
Help madam finger is stuck in the door.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say something about
YO MAMA
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