Crown

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

Short funny dirty jokes

Funny Dirty Joke 1
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo
Funny Dirty Joke 2
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar
Funny Dirty Joke 3
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Funny Dirty Joke 4
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
Funny Dirty Joke 5
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
Funny Dirty Joke 6
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Funny Dirty Joke 7
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.
Funny Dirty Joke 8
What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Funny Dirty Joke 9
What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time.
Funny Dirty Joke 10
What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Funny Dirty Joke 11
What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.
Funny Dirty Joke 12
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Funny Dirty Joke 13
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Funny Dirty Joke 14
What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
Snowballs.
Funny Dirty Joke 15
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Funny Dirty Joke 16
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Funny Dirty Joke 17
What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Funny Dirty Joke 18
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Funny Dirty Joke 19
What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Funny Dirty Joke 20
What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Funny Dirty Joke 21
What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.
Funny Dirty Joke 22
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Funny Dirty Joke 23
What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Funny Dirty Joke 24
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip Poker
Funny Dirty Joke 25
What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.
Funny Dirty Joke 26
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.
Funny Dirty Joke 27
What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
Nice dick!
Funny Dirty Joke 28
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Funny Dirty Joke 29
What’s a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dick heads.
Funny Dirty Joke 30
What’s another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough
Funny Dirty Joke 31
What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Funny Dirty Joke 32
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s First Movement.
Funny Dirty Joke 33
What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.
Funny Dirty Joke 34
What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit’s Finger
Funny Dirty Joke 35
What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.
Funny Dirty Joke 36
What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurfette with her period.
Funny Dirty Joke 37
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit
Funny Dirty Joke 38
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Funny Dirty Joke 39
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!
Funny Dirty Joke 40
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!
Funny Dirty Joke 41
What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!
Funny Dirty Joke 42
What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.
Funny Dirty Joke 43
What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Funny Dirty Joke 44
What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Funny Dirty Joke 45
What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
Funny Dirty Joke 46
What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Funny Dirty Joke 47
What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Funny Dirty Joke 48
What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Funny Dirty Joke 49
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Funny Dirty Joke 50
What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Portuguese jokes one liners

Qu.   Why does an Argentine stare at the sky and smile when there is lightning?
Ans. He thinks God is taking his picture...

Qu.   How does an Argentine commit suicide?
Ans. He climbs onto his ego and jumps down, but he doesn't die from the impact; he starves to death on the way down...

Qu.   If the Argentines are the best, why did they lose the Falklands War?
Ans. They didn't lose, they were the vice-champions...



Portuguese jokes one liners

Broken Cage

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"

Christmas One Line jokes

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music
before Thanksgiving.

The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your
parents.

Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in
case the Mayans were right?

For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer

Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it
 "dumb and gay"

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is
imaginary.

I got more hoes than Santa Claus.

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my
opinion.

Yo mama so fat when she triend to talk to Santa Clause, Santa Clause
said "Why u doing the harlem shake?"

May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your
pocket!

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body
rejected the transplant and you died.

To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.

A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not
very happy.

A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back
from Santa: send me your mother!

So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so
wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
 for Christmas!

My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I
beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new
job the next day.

Dear Santa, I can explain.....

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d
been good this year!

your mum is so fat that I took a picture of her last christmas and its
still printing!

Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it.
 It's about who's around it

Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.

I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during
the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret
Santa.

We're all gonna die

- Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day, you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

Getting Head

If I flip a coin what are the chances of me getting head?

Nature of Knowledge

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Knee Sitting Line

Come and sit on my knee and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.

New in town chat up line short jokes

I’m new in town, could I have the directions to your house please?

Next Girlfriend

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Best chat up line

Q. How much does a polar bear weigh?
A. I don’t know
R. Neither do I but it broke the ice

You Can Call Me

People call me Dave, but you can call me Tonight!

Seduce Fat Woman

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

Never Quiet

Why don’t women fart? Because they don’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Traffic

Yo mama is so fat that she causes traffic jams when she goes out walking.

Milk

What Bee’s produce milk? Boo’bees.

Faithful

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

black & brown

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.