Short funny dirty jokes

Funny Dirty Joke 1
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo
Funny Dirty Joke 2
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar
Funny Dirty Joke 3
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Funny Dirty Joke 4
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
Funny Dirty Joke 5
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
Funny Dirty Joke 6
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Funny Dirty Joke 7
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.
Funny Dirty Joke 8
What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Funny Dirty Joke 9
What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time.
Funny Dirty Joke 10
What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Funny Dirty Joke 11
What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.
Funny Dirty Joke 12
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Funny Dirty Joke 13
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Funny Dirty Joke 14
What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
Snowballs.
Funny Dirty Joke 15
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Funny Dirty Joke 16
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Funny Dirty Joke 17
What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Funny Dirty Joke 18
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Funny Dirty Joke 19
What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Funny Dirty Joke 20
What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Funny Dirty Joke 21
What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.
Funny Dirty Joke 22
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Funny Dirty Joke 23
What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Funny Dirty Joke 24
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip Poker
Funny Dirty Joke 25
What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.
Funny Dirty Joke 26
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.
Funny Dirty Joke 27
What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
Nice dick!
Funny Dirty Joke 28
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Funny Dirty Joke 29
What’s a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dick heads.
Funny Dirty Joke 30
What’s another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough
Funny Dirty Joke 31
What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Funny Dirty Joke 32
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s First Movement.
Funny Dirty Joke 33
What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.
Funny Dirty Joke 34
What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit’s Finger
Funny Dirty Joke 35
What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.
Funny Dirty Joke 36
What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurfette with her period.
Funny Dirty Joke 37
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit
Funny Dirty Joke 38
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Funny Dirty Joke 39
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!
Funny Dirty Joke 40
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!
Funny Dirty Joke 41
What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!
Funny Dirty Joke 42
What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.
Funny Dirty Joke 43
What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Funny Dirty Joke 44
What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Funny Dirty Joke 45
What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
Funny Dirty Joke 46
What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Funny Dirty Joke 47
What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Funny Dirty Joke 48
What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Funny Dirty Joke 49
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Funny Dirty Joke 50
What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Where Do Babies Come From?

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "wont it knock all my teeth out?"

Maths Teacher

My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?”
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.

Relatives

Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"

Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."

Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded, "It's my wash cloth." Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth." The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

No-Parking Zone

There was once a little girl and a little boy in kindergarten.
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.

The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."

The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."

The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."

Adult jokes-You may be a HO if

You May Be A Ho If......

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog.

When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

Madonna comes to you for pointers.

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

Ever made love to Ghost?

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: “Who here has seen a ghost?”

Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: “Who here has spoken with a ghost?”

Half the audience puts up their hands. “And who here has touched a ghost?” Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: “And who here has made love with a ghost?” One little man in the back row puts up his hand…

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: “Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?”

The man replies, “Oh No! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you correctly. I thought you said ‘goat’.”

K-Y Jelly

What do they call K-Y Jelly in Germany?

Der Wienerslider

Filthy One Liners

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Short Filthy Jokes

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face