Short funny dirty jokes

Funny Dirty Joke 1
What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo
Funny Dirty Joke 2
What is a lesbian’s favorite thing to eat?
A Klondike Bar
Funny Dirty Joke 3
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
Funny Dirty Joke 4
What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
Funny Dirty Joke 5
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
Funny Dirty Joke 6
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Funny Dirty Joke 7
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.
Funny Dirty Joke 8
What is the definition of “making love”?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Funny Dirty Joke 9
What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time.
Funny Dirty Joke 10
What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Funny Dirty Joke 11
What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”?
About three inches.
Funny Dirty Joke 12
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
Funny Dirty Joke 13
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Funny Dirty Joke 14
What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
Snowballs.
Funny Dirty Joke 15
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Funny Dirty Joke 16
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Funny Dirty Joke 17
What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
Funny Dirty Joke 18
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.
Funny Dirty Joke 19
What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.
Funny Dirty Joke 20
What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
Funny Dirty Joke 21
What is the first sign of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the ass.
Funny Dirty Joke 22
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis…even a thought can raise it.
Funny Dirty Joke 23
What is the noisiest thing in the world?
Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Funny Dirty Joke 24
What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
Strip Poker
Funny Dirty Joke 25
What proof do we have that prostitution is recession-proof?
Everyone knows that hookers thrive on hard times.
Funny Dirty Joke 26
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to use it.
Funny Dirty Joke 27
What two words will clear out a men’s changing room quicker than anything else?
Nice dick!
Funny Dirty Joke 28
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Funny Dirty Joke 29
What’s a diaphragm?
A trampoline for dick heads.
Funny Dirty Joke 30
What’s another name for pickled bread?
Dill-dough
Funny Dirty Joke 31
What’s better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Funny Dirty Joke 32
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven’s First Movement.
Funny Dirty Joke 33
What’s gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.
Funny Dirty Joke 34
What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit’s Finger
Funny Dirty Joke 35
What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.
Funny Dirty Joke 36
What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurfette with her period.
Funny Dirty Joke 37
What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit
Funny Dirty Joke 38
What’s the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Funny Dirty Joke 39
What’s the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
You can drop her off where ever you want!
Funny Dirty Joke 40
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence!
Funny Dirty Joke 41
What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!
Funny Dirty Joke 42
What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.
Funny Dirty Joke 43
What’s the biggest fish in the world?
A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Funny Dirty Joke 44
What’s the definition of “Tender Love?”
Two gays with hemorrhoids.
Funny Dirty Joke 45
What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
Funny Dirty Joke 46
What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Funny Dirty Joke 47
What’s the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Funny Dirty Joke 48
What’s the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Funny Dirty Joke 49
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Funny Dirty Joke 50
What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Where Do Babies Come From?

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "wont it knock all my teeth out?"

The Queen's Breasts

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

Toyota

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."
We enlisted him the next day.

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Naughty Answers

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

Portuguese accent

The guy who delivers our office supplies has a heavy Portuguese accent, and when he saw the National Geographic video about seals sitting on the table he smiled broadly and shouted, "Foka! Foka!"

"No," I said, "If you fuck one of those in this country I'm pretty sure you'll go to prison on some 'humping and endangered species' charge."

"No, no, no," he said quickly. "Foka mean 'seal' in Portuguese."

"I see," I said pointing to the big seal next to the little seal in the picture. "So I'm betting that that's the mother foka?

Go all to pieces

Little Johnny and his girl were parked one dark summer night in Lover's Lane, when all of a sudden she said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"

Little Johnny replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want."

Big vs Small

Big Tits vs. Little Tits


Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer


Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

The ugliest wife

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.

He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to f*uck you, I just want to show you off!"

Adult jokes-You may be a HO if

You May Be A Ho If......

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog.

When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

Madonna comes to you for pointers.

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

Erection Problem

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and £1, 500 a month living expenses."

Fosters

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of lager, any kind except Fosters. The bartender says, "What’s wrong with Fosters, don’t you like it?"

The man says, "I hate that sh*t. Last night I drank a case of Fosters and blew chunks.

The bartender says, "You drink a case of any lager, you’re going to blow chunks".

"You don’t understand" said the man, "Chunks is my dog."

Batty

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn’t"

Flat Chest

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Light bulbs

After listening to other kids in the classroom telling all the cool talents their parents have, the teacher called on Little Johnny.

Quickly thinking of something just as good or better than the talents of the other kids' parents, Little Johnny thought of something. Little Johnny exclaimed, "My dad eats light bulbs!"

All through the classroom there were remarks of "Cool!"

The teacher, in shock, asked,
"What makes you think your father eats light bulbs?"

Little Johnny replies, "The other night when I was in bed, my dad said,'Honey, if you turn the light out I will eat it.'