What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
Showing posts with label Lawyer Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lawyer Jokes. Show all posts
December 23, 2012
in lawyer years
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments
on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of
Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest
that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
September 11, 2012
Mafia Boss and his deaf book keeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
August 31, 2012
The Audit
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
August 22, 2012
Lawyer vs Physician
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:'Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. '
Funny Lawyer Jokes - 101
'I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
Funny Lawyer Jokes
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
August 03, 2012
An attorney passed on and found
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
Lawyer quickies 2
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
No…Really…
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Lawyer Hunting Regulations!
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
July 26, 2012
Motor Accident
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
1 ounce
A woman has a brain tomber and 1 ounce of her brain is removed. So she goes to a futuristic store to buy an ounce of brain. She asks the prices and the clerk replies,”depends on what your looking for.”" So the the Woman asks “”rocket Scientist.”" Clerk Replies “”$10
not driving by the rules
there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said “do u know how fast you were going?” duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.
Funny Inheritance Joke
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
A list of tax jokes.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
July 20, 2012
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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