Sunday morning at 11

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil. Just then the clock struck 11… And then…… Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

$5 Worth of Gas

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas..... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

Top Quotes From the 2008 Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics: 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Stay...

I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded supermarket the other day and rolled down the windows to make sure my new Labrador puppy had some fresh air. He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats. I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY." Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."

Skydiving Test

A man has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father an old vet himself asks his son how it went. "Well dad everyone else was nervous but I felt totally calm. Finally it came my turn to jump and I don't know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn't jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said "IF YOU DON"T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'LL STICK MY DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT'LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" "Damm son" the father said "did you jump?" "Yeah, a little bit at first!"

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is..' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole No. 2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole .' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Last Word

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word". His friend: "What is the word?" The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded, "It's my wash cloth." Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth." The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."