Lobster Story

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"

"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it`s true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says " What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"

Retiree

Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A: He opted to stick it out a while longer.

Sunday morning at 11

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil. Just then the clock struck 11… And then…… Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

$5 Worth of Gas

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas..... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

Top Quotes From the 2008 Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics: 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Stay...

I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded supermarket the other day and rolled down the windows to make sure my new Labrador puppy had some fresh air. He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats. I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY." Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."

Skydiving Test

A man has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father an old vet himself asks his son how it went. "Well dad everyone else was nervous but I felt totally calm. Finally it came my turn to jump and I don't know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn't jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said "IF YOU DON"T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'LL STICK MY DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT'LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" "Damm son" the father said "did you jump?" "Yeah, a little bit at first!"

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is..' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up. Then I called Asshole No. 2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole .' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Last Word

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word". His friend: "What is the word?" The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Last Name

The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Nice collection of short funny jokes 2012

1.Marriage proposal
.A young boy have come to meet a man saying that he wants to marry her daughter.
Father: What do you do?
Boy: I do robbery, stealing, murder etc.
Father: But that’s are all the negative activity. Is there any positive thing that you have?
Boy: Oh, yes sir. I am HIV positive.

2. Shopping
A man went to a shop to buy a tie for him.
Salesman: How can I help you sir?
Man: I am looking for a tie which will be the mixed color of milk and coffee.
Salesman: Okay sir. But let me know first whether you will take sugar or not?

3.Father and son
A dad is talking to his little son.
Dad: What you do when I become angry with you?
Son: Actually I go to the toilet, dad.
Dad: Toilet? Why?
Son: I just clean the toilet.
Dad: That’s strange. Why do you do that?
Son: I just use your toothbrush to clean the toilet!

4. Comb
A man goes to a shop and ask the salesman for a comb.
Salesman: Good evening sir. How can I help you?
Man: One of my comb’s teeth has just broken. So I need to buy a comb.
Salesman: But that’s just one teeth, sir. You have the rest of them.
Man: Not actually. Because that was the last teeth in the comb.

5. Advertisement
Two businessman talking to each other.
Man 1: Do you know about newspaper advertisement whether it really works or not?
Man 2: It really works. Cause last week I advertised in newspaper that I need a night guard for my store. And that night my store was stolen!

6. Mother and son
Mother: Son, there were some sweets in the freeze for guests. But now there are only two. I am sure it was you.
Son: Sorry mother, I didn’t see the rest of the two because of the load shedding.

7. World tour
A young lady is ready for her world tour. A man asking her-
Man: As a virgin you are in the risk to travelling by yourself for the world tour, do you know that?
Lady: Not at all. Cause I have learnt one sentence in all languages of the world. So I will be safe.
Man: What was that?
Lady: I have AIDS.

8. Doctor
Doctor and patient are talking together-
Doctor: Analyzing your physical condition I have found that you have food poisoning. So you need to take one cup of hot water every morning.
Patient: I drink that every day! But my wife called it tea.

9. Matchmaker
Matchmaker talking with a client-
Matchmaker : The girl that I am suggesting for your son is very sweet.
Client: Then this wedding should not be happened.
Matchmaker: Why?
Client: My son has diabetes.

10. Husband and wife
Husband and wife talking-
Wife: Wouldn’t you cry for me if I die?
Husband: Of course dear.
Wife: I don’t believe you.
Husband: Okay, then take my test now.