Kids are quick

Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherrytree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Spongebob & Squidward

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

Alcohol

Bill was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

At School

- Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

Times have changed

Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, a father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, the daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

Brokeback Spiders

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.

As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.

As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.

"Those spiders are mating, honey."

"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.

"A daddy long legs."

"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.

The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.

Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain shit going on here!"A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was. As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye. As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked. "Those spiders are mating, honey." "Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement. "A daddy long legs." "Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked. The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs." The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them. Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?" The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"

collection of "kid jokes/joke", "kids funny jokes"

* How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!
* Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
* What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
* What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
* What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
* What is a myth?
A female moth!
* How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
* What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
* How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
* How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
* What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
* What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
* What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
* What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
* What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
* Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!

Not my job…

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Fing French Toast

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some f***ing French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his bad language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more f***ing French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the f***ing French toast

No Baby Talk

One day a teacher asked her students to tell her about a book they read without using baby talk.

The first student raised his hand and said I read a book about a “Choo Choo Train.” The teacher said that was baby talk and moved onto the next student.

I read a book about a “brum Brum.” “Nope.” The teacher said/ “Thats baby talk!”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said ” You don’t want baby talk?!” Little Johnny asked. “No” Said the teacher. “Ok then, I read a book about Whinnie the Shit!”

There are teachers… And there are EDUCATORS

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would kiss the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.

To explain how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THERE ARE TEACHERS…. AND THEN THERE AR

Little Shits

A kindergarten teacher has decided that her mission in life is to eradicate baby talk and get the kids to use “Big People Words”. One day at Show-and-Tell, the children are talking about their weekends.

“I went to the park and rode on the choo-choo.”

She responds, “No, Michael. You rode on the train. Remember your Big People Words.”

“Mommy took me to the park to feed the duckies.”

The teacher notes, “Big People Words, Rosanna. Mommy took you to feed the ducks.”

Little Amelia is next. “Mommy and Daddy and me went to visit Nana.”

“You mean your grandmother. We use Big People Words in this class, remember?”

Brave young Eric decides to test his luck.

“I read a book this weekend, Ms. Jones!”

“You did? Good for you! What book did you read, then?”

So far, so good. Eric frowns, considering his words carefully.

“The book was called … Winnie the Shit!”

An important lesson for kids

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.

Know I know my ABC’s...

There was a little kid who needed to learn the ABC’s for homework. He went to his big sister who was talking on the phone. “What’s the first letter of the alphabet?”" “”Shutup!”"
Next he went to his older brother who was in the bathroom. “”What’s the second letter of the alphabet?”" “”Down the toliet

Retarded boy

once upon a time their was a boy named jason.Everyone called him retarded because he acted retarted.They went to the zoo and the first thing they went to go see was the sharks.One boy said” what is that with the sharp teeth”"

The alphabet

Jimmy was in kindergarten and had to go to the bathroom. His teacher made him recite the alphabet before going to the bathroom. “ok”"

Little Jonny in the Garden

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Little Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

School jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Classic Little Johnny

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, “What are those dogs doing?”

“Well they are making puppies,” his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, “Hey they are making puppies!”

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, “What are you two doing?”

“Well we are making you a baby sister,” said his dad.

“No no no” yells Johnny, “roll her over and make me some puppies!”

Bush at School

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"