Crazy Email

A husband and wife were taking a vacation to Miami to unthaw from the cold weather in north dakota. Due to the increase in air travel the couple was forced to take separate flights on separate days. The husband flew first and when the plane landed and he got checked in he decided to send his wife an email. He didn't notice the he made a spelling error on the email address so it got sent to a widow that had just come back from her husband's funeral. The widow checked her email because she expected to hear from friends and family. Right after she read the first email she fainted and her son ran into the room and saw his mom then read the screen. The email said: to my dearest wife i have arrived and got checked in, everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow evening at 4:30 can't wait to see you and we ghave some great neighbors. Your devoted husband. P.S. It sure is hot down here!

Bubba's Sick

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. an hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?" The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!" The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Funny Little Johnny Joke - Gambling

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.” “DAMN!” said the father. “What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

Funny Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on!

Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!

Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!

Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!

Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!

Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!

Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Beacuse of the honey combs!

Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?
A: A bee is an aeroplane!

Proud Mom

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

Customer Service

If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

Explaining My Job

It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, “I’m a defense contractor.”

One of the guys was intrigued. “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”

Priest and His Baby

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

Top 10 Hilarious Quotes

1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

6- When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. [Hilarious Quotes] from my small nephew..

8- If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

9 - A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Madonna Age Issues

Madonna has slammed journalists who mention her age in articles, alleging that this practice makes her appear "not that relevant".

According to a Hollywood fashion magazine the 53-year-old singer says that she has always noticed her age mentioned whenever something is written about her.

"Whenever someone writes anything about me, my age is right after name," an entertainment tabloid quoted Madonna as saying.

"It is almost like they are saying, "Here Madonna is, but remember, She is this age, so she is not that relevant anymore," Madonna added.

Mafia Boss and his deaf book keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.

Naughty Answers

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************

Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.