What’s your phone number?

On a romantic date sardar’s girl friend asks him:
“Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?”
He said: “Sure ! What’s your phone number?”

That boy was walking very slowly..

One girl comes late to class.
Professor : Why r u late?
Girl : One boy was following me sir
Professor : So,what?
Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.

Daily newspaper

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog,
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”

Run from a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, “What are you doing?
Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says.
“I just need to outrun you.”

Faithful

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

Listen the lecture

A cop stops a drunk man and asks: Where you going?
He replies : “I’m going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.”
police Cop says : “At night? And who will give a lecture?”
My wife and mother-in-law!replies the drunk man.

black & brown

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.

Maths Teacher

My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?”
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.

Toyota

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."
We enlisted him the next day.

in lawyer years

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

Horsing Around

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".
      
The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

The Hamster and the Frog

Amangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
     
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
     
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
     
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
     
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
     
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
     
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
     
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

One Angry Husband

A man and his wife were driving on the highway one night when he got pulled over by the cops for speeding.

The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.

"I never speed," says the man.

The wife chimes in, "Oh yes you do - all the time!"

The man says, "Dammit honey, would shut your damn mouth?"

The cop sees the man wasn't wearing his seatbelt and says, "Sir, I'm also going to issue you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

"I was wearing my seatbelt sir -I just took it off," says the man.

The wife chimes in again and says, "Officer, he never wears his seatbelt."

The husband says "Quit being a bitch and keep your fucking mouth shut."

The cop then asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always speak with such callous vulgarity to you like this?"

"Nah," she says, "Only when he drinks all day."

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Colorful Reunion

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Retiree

Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A: He opted to stick it out a while longer.

The Other Side

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

Relatives

Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"

Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."

Stolen Engine

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche and she sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road.

She stops to ask what's wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, and while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'

The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.'

Chuck Norris - Taxes

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.