The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
August 31, 2012
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Four Worms
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!
Ear infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
August 27, 2012
Joys of Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Help Doc
A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, I'm having trouble in the bedroom. I just can't get into it with my wife any more."
The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."
The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."
The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"
The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."
The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."
The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"
CDC Medical Alert
The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
REINCARNATION
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
Age Vs Wisdom
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
August 26, 2012
Perfect Eyesight
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
The Men's rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping
One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
No-Parking Zone
There was once a little girl and a little boy in kindergarten.
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
44th birthday
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.
August 22, 2012
Lawyer vs Physician
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:'Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. '
Funny Lawyer Jokes - 101
'I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
Funny Lawyer Jokes
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Dogs
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
August 18, 2012
Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Hedge Clippers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
My Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
Funny quotes
"Britain is not an island ... yes, yes it is, but ..."
- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
"The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised
surprised. "
- U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~
"President Bush is due to address nation at about 20
minute. "
- Peter Jennings, ABC News
"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
round, unlike fixed launchers. "
- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in
a moment. "
- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
"We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out his chest. "
- Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department,
cited in National Lampoon Calendar
- From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
in the park because people leave their butts on the beach. "
- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- From Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
"Men aged 18 and 25 must register for the proposal
their 18 birthday. "
- Create a U. S. Post Office
- From Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
- Unidentified general officer, re: the Gulf War.
- From Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
"It is obligatory for tenderer to demonstrate that the stated
performance can be achieved by the proposed
system. "
- Request for a variety of unidentified
potential customer
- From Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, almost
nobody had heard of RISC "
- Digital Marketing Study
- From Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
Sir James Spicer ... has officially opened at a toilet urinating
Valley first school in the neighborhood of Dorchester. "
- VNS # 2244 General News, January 23, 1990
- ~ Censored ~ Van Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Tensions in Latvia ... are tense ..."
- WBZ Radio, Boston, January 21, 1991, News
- From Gunars Zagare (Andover, MA, USA)
"If you could live here always, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live
forever, that's why I would not live forever, "
- Miss Alabama in 1994
- Miss USA competition.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. "
- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on another part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"The Lowdown villain deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey,
and I'm just the one to do it. "
- A Congressional candidate in Texas.
"I do not feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were large numbers of people who needed new land, and Indians
were selfishly trying to keep for themselves. "
- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It is not pollution that is harmful to the environment. Impurities
in our air and water that it does. "
- Unknown. This is due to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas
"I love California. I almost grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another "
- George Bush, U.S. president
"We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need"
- Lee Iacocca
"I was with additional input that was radically different
truth. I helped promote this version. "
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word" genius "is not applicable in football. A genius is a man who
Norman Einstein. "
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, Vice President
- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
"The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised
surprised. "
- U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~
"President Bush is due to address nation at about 20
minute. "
- Peter Jennings, ABC News
"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
round, unlike fixed launchers. "
- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in
a moment. "
- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
"We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out his chest. "
- Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department,
cited in National Lampoon Calendar
- From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
in the park because people leave their butts on the beach. "
- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- From Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
"Men aged 18 and 25 must register for the proposal
their 18 birthday. "
- Create a U. S. Post Office
- From Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
- Unidentified general officer, re: the Gulf War.
- From Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
"It is obligatory for tenderer to demonstrate that the stated
performance can be achieved by the proposed
system. "
- Request for a variety of unidentified
potential customer
- From Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, almost
nobody had heard of RISC "
- Digital Marketing Study
- From Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
Sir James Spicer ... has officially opened at a toilet urinating
Valley first school in the neighborhood of Dorchester. "
- VNS # 2244 General News, January 23, 1990
- ~ Censored ~ Van Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Tensions in Latvia ... are tense ..."
- WBZ Radio, Boston, January 21, 1991, News
- From Gunars Zagare (Andover, MA, USA)
"If you could live here always, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live
forever, that's why I would not live forever, "
- Miss Alabama in 1994
- Miss USA competition.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. "
- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on another part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"The Lowdown villain deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey,
and I'm just the one to do it. "
- A Congressional candidate in Texas.
"I do not feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were large numbers of people who needed new land, and Indians
were selfishly trying to keep for themselves. "
- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It is not pollution that is harmful to the environment. Impurities
in our air and water that it does. "
- Unknown. This is due to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas
"I love California. I almost grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another "
- George Bush, U.S. president
"We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need"
- Lee Iacocca
"I was with additional input that was radically different
truth. I helped promote this version. "
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word" genius "is not applicable in football. A genius is a man who
Norman Einstein. "
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, Vice President
Twenty hilarious funny quotes
1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. (My personal favorite funny quotes)
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.
August 16, 2012
Common Sense
A cow was kept for observation.
KG student : Its a cow!!
UG student : Perhaps this is a cow !!
PG : This may be cow or a hypopigmented buffalo!!
PHD : Dis may b a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies!!
Moral: The more you study, the more your common sense decreases !! :D :P
KG student : Its a cow!!
UG student : Perhaps this is a cow !!
PG : This may be cow or a hypopigmented buffalo!!
PHD : Dis may b a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies!!
Moral: The more you study, the more your common sense decreases !! :D :P
A donkey called Dobbin
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, ‘Pull, Dolly, pull!’ Dobbin didn’t move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, ‘Pull, Robbie, pull.’ Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, ‘Pull, Ringo, pull.’ Again – nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, ‘Pull, Dobbin, pull.’ Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, ‘Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.’
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, ‘Pull, Dolly, pull!’ Dobbin didn’t move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, ‘Pull, Robbie, pull.’ Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, ‘Pull, Ringo, pull.’ Again – nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, ‘Pull, Dobbin, pull.’ Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, ‘Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.’
Teacher’s Pet
At the end of the school tear the kindergarten was saying farewell and accepting small gifts from her pupils who were sad to be leaving.
The son of the florist handed her something – which she took and held over her head. “I know what this is. It’s flowers!”
“Yes,” said the boy. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told him.
The next student was the daughter of the candy shop owner. The teacher took her gift and once again placed it over her head. “I know what this is,” she said. “A box full of candy!”
“Yes,” said the daughter. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told her.
The next student was the son from the owner of the liquor store. The teacher took the gift and placed it over her head again and found that it was leaking. She touch the drop that fell on her hand and placed it on her tongue.
“Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy, who was excited that she couldn’t guess.
The teacher then tried to taste even more of the leakage. “What about champagne?”
“No”
“I give up,” said the teacher.
With excitement the boy told her, “It’s a puppy!”
The son of the florist handed her something – which she took and held over her head. “I know what this is. It’s flowers!”
“Yes,” said the boy. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told him.
The next student was the daughter of the candy shop owner. The teacher took her gift and once again placed it over her head. “I know what this is,” she said. “A box full of candy!”
“Yes,” said the daughter. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told her.
The next student was the son from the owner of the liquor store. The teacher took the gift and placed it over her head again and found that it was leaking. She touch the drop that fell on her hand and placed it on her tongue.
“Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy, who was excited that she couldn’t guess.
The teacher then tried to taste even more of the leakage. “What about champagne?”
“No”
“I give up,” said the teacher.
With excitement the boy told her, “It’s a puppy!”
In jail…
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: “I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.” The female response was: “Well, spit it out it isn’t yours.
August 15, 2012
3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
“This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
“This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
Blonde Year in Review
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.
March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 – 4 years”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?
October- Hate M&M’s – they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December – Couldn’t dial 911- duh – there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.
March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 – 4 years”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?
October- Hate M&M’s – they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December – Couldn’t dial 911- duh – there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.
Three Kings Joke
Little Bobby was sitting in class when the teacher asked him “Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and joy into people’s lives?” To which little Bobby replied “Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king”.
collection of "kid jokes/joke", "kids funny jokes"
* How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!
* Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
* What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
* What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
* What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
* What is a myth?
A female moth!
* How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
* What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
* How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
* How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
* What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
* What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
* What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
* What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
* What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
* Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
By norse code!
* Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
* What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
* What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
* What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
* What is a myth?
A female moth!
* How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
* What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
* How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
* How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
* What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
* What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
* What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
* What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
* What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
* Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
August 03, 2012
An attorney passed on and found
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
Lawyer quickies 2
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
No…Really…
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Lawyer Hunting Regulations!
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
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