July 29, 2012

Last Word

A man to his friend: “At my house I always say the last word”.

His friend: “What is the word?”

The man: “I am sorry. Forgive me”

Beggar

Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book
“How to Cook” !!

No Drinking or Gambling

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Female vs Male Friendships

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his
wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

July 26, 2012

Motor Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

1 ounce

A woman has a brain tomber and 1 ounce of her brain is removed. So she goes to a futuristic store to buy an ounce of brain. She asks the prices and the clerk replies,”depends on what your looking for.”" So the the Woman asks “”rocket Scientist.”" Clerk Replies “”$10

not driving by the rules

there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said “do u know how fast you were going?” duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.

Funny Inheritance Joke

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

A list of tax jokes.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.

What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.

What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

July 25, 2012

Not my job…

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Fing French Toast

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some f***ing French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his bad language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more f***ing French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the f***ing French toast

No Baby Talk

One day a teacher asked her students to tell her about a book they read without using baby talk.

The first student raised his hand and said I read a book about a “Choo Choo Train.” The teacher said that was baby talk and moved onto the next student.

I read a book about a “brum Brum.” “Nope.” The teacher said/ “Thats baby talk!”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said ” You don’t want baby talk?!” Little Johnny asked. “No” Said the teacher. “Ok then, I read a book about Whinnie the Shit!”

Johnny’s Dead Dog

Little Johnny was walking to school with his dog,who was going to be his show and tell project.When he was about 1/2 mile away from school,the dog ran into the street and was hit by a car.He died immediately.So Johnny went to school with a heavy heart that day.

During class,the teacher asked Johnny why he didn’t have his show and tell project.

“My dog got hit by a car on my way to school.I’m sure gonna miss his ass.” said Johnny.

“Johnny,we do not use the word ass in this room.We use the word rectum”. Exclaimed the teacher.

“Rectum!?,It fucking killed him!” Said Johnny

There are teachers… And there are EDUCATORS

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would kiss the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.

You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.

To explain how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THERE ARE TEACHERS…. AND THEN THERE AR

Little Shits

A kindergarten teacher has decided that her mission in life is to eradicate baby talk and get the kids to use “Big People Words”. One day at Show-and-Tell, the children are talking about their weekends.

“I went to the park and rode on the choo-choo.”

She responds, “No, Michael. You rode on the train. Remember your Big People Words.”

“Mommy took me to the park to feed the duckies.”

The teacher notes, “Big People Words, Rosanna. Mommy took you to feed the ducks.”

Little Amelia is next. “Mommy and Daddy and me went to visit Nana.”

“You mean your grandmother. We use Big People Words in this class, remember?”

Brave young Eric decides to test his luck.

“I read a book this weekend, Ms. Jones!”

“You did? Good for you! What book did you read, then?”

So far, so good. Eric frowns, considering his words carefully.

“The book was called … Winnie the Shit!”

Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

July 20, 2012

He is still celebrating his freedom

Wife: Hey! look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot..
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Monkeys Jokes

A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it's not allowed.
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.'

What do you call a very old ant?

What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!

what do ducks eat?

Q. what do ducks eat?
A. quackers

Animal jokes

First snake: I hope I'm not poisonous. Second snake: Why? First snake: Because I bit my lip!


There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo. "And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that. "


Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"



What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.



What's green and has wheels? A Frog I lied about the wheels

July 19, 2012

wank club

I’m British and so I use the word wank a lot. If you didn’t know
wank means masturbate.

I found out something funny during the film Fight Club.

In the scene when Brad Pitt is explaining the rules change the
word fight for wank. Try this the next time you watch the film.
One of the best line is “when someone goes limp, taps out the
wank is over…”

Green and Smells Like Sausage

What’s green and smell like sausage??

Kermit inside of Miss. Piggy.

Some Star Wars: A New Hope Questions Answered

Many people seem to not enjoy these movies because they think “that could
never happen” and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)

Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn’t stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they’ve indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.

Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.

Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That’s where the rubber band fits.

Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn’t notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.

Q: Why can Death Star’s prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.

Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.

Q: Why doesn’t Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.

Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn’t make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like “Chewbacca and his master.” I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han’s relationship
with Chewie; the response was, “Nothing like that, we’re just good
friends.”

Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn’t he
change Luke’s name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.

Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it””s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Three FASTEST means of Communication

Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

July 17, 2012

Marriage Quotes by Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all – money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out..’

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Lorraine

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing…” I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone…”

Married Guys Go Fishing

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.

So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing, or Sex,” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”

Knock Knock 104

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Joey!
Joey who?
Joey to the centre of the Earth!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Johann!
Johann who!
Johann a beautiful smile!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Johannes!
Johannes who!
Johannes are cold!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
John!
John who?
John with the Wind!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
John!
John who!
John the Navy!

Doughnut

Knock-Knock.

Who’s there?

Doughnut.

Doughnut who?

I’ve got a doughnut stuck up my butt!

July 16, 2012

New Study

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

Gratitude

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.’”

“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

$50 or $10,000?

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.

The local undertaker tell this guy, “You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00.”
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, “Why?” Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?”.

The man replied, “A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Bingo

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?…

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

July 14, 2012

It was all so different

It was all so different before everything changed.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Your photographs do you an

Your photographs do you an injustice. They all look like you!

Traintracks

Ya mamma is like traintracks….

She gets laid around the country!

Midget Faggot

Q: What is the difference between a regular faggot and a midget faggot?
A: Regulars come out of the closet; midgets come out of the cupboard.

He has a small piece

He has a small piece of brain lodged in his skull

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ……

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue …

Whale Watching

Yo mamma is so big. The people that live near her put up signs “Free Whale Watching!”