On a romantic date sardar’s girl friend asks him:
“Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?”
He said: “Sure ! What’s your phone number?”
December 31, 2012
December 30, 2012
That boy was walking very slowly..
One girl comes late to class.
Professor : Why r u late?
Girl : One boy was following me sir
Professor : So,what?
Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.
Professor : Why r u late?
Girl : One boy was following me sir
Professor : So,what?
Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.
December 29, 2012
Daily newspaper
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog,
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”
December 28, 2012
Run from a bear
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, “What are you doing?
Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says.
“I just need to outrun you.”
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, “What are you doing?
Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says.
“I just need to outrun you.”
December 27, 2012
Faithful
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
The man replied, “Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”
December 25, 2012
Listen the lecture
A cop stops a drunk man and asks: Where you going?
He replies : “I’m going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.”
police Cop says : “At night? And who will give a lecture?”
My wife and mother-in-law!replies the drunk man.
He replies : “I’m going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.”
police Cop says : “At night? And who will give a lecture?”
My wife and mother-in-law!replies the drunk man.
December 23, 2012
Maths Teacher
My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?”
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.
Toyota
Serving as a Marine recruiter
in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the
requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of
being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper
work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property
or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a
worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."
We enlisted him the next day.
We enlisted him the next day.
in lawyer years
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments
on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of
Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest
that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
Horsing Around
Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days
training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow,
we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and
yet we come last in every race."
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".
The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?".
The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"
The Hamster and the Frog
Amangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a
steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for
your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but
if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my
supper?"
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
December 13, 2012
One Angry Husband
A man and his wife were driving on the highway one night when he got pulled over by the cops for speeding.
The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.
"I never speed," says the man.
The wife chimes in, "Oh yes you do - all the time!"
The man says, "Dammit honey, would shut your damn mouth?"
The cop sees the man wasn't wearing his seatbelt and says, "Sir, I'm also going to issue you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
"I was wearing my seatbelt sir -I just took it off," says the man.
The wife chimes in again and says, "Officer, he never wears his seatbelt."
The husband says "Quit being a bitch and keep your fucking mouth shut."
The cop then asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always speak with such callous vulgarity to you like this?"
"Nah," she says, "Only when he drinks all day."
The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.
"I never speed," says the man.
The wife chimes in, "Oh yes you do - all the time!"
The man says, "Dammit honey, would shut your damn mouth?"
The cop sees the man wasn't wearing his seatbelt and says, "Sir, I'm also going to issue you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
"I was wearing my seatbelt sir -I just took it off," says the man.
The wife chimes in again and says, "Officer, he never wears his seatbelt."
The husband says "Quit being a bitch and keep your fucking mouth shut."
The cop then asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always speak with such callous vulgarity to you like this?"
"Nah," she says, "Only when he drinks all day."
Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Colorful Reunion
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager
had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Retiree
Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He opted to stick it out a while longer.
A: He opted to stick it out a while longer.
The Other Side
A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.
She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde shakes her head and yells back "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde shakes her head and yells back "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"
December 01, 2012
Relatives
Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"
Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
Stolen Engine
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche and she sees another blonde woman
with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road.
She stops to ask what's wrong.
The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, and while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'
The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.'
She stops to ask what's wrong.
The owner of the broken Porsche said, 'I just had a look under the hood, and while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'
The other said, 'Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my Porsche.'
Chuck Norris - Taxes
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has not had to pay taxes, ever.
November 18, 2012
Sunday morning at 11
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
Just then the clock struck 11…
And then……
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
$5 Worth of Gas
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt
Top Quotes From the 2008 Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
November 14, 2012
Stay...
I pulled into the parking lot of a crowded supermarket the other day and rolled down the windows to make sure my new Labrador puppy had some fresh air.
He was sprawled out on the backseat and wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted him to remain there and not jump over my seats.
I walked backward away from the car constantly saying, "Stay. Good boy. You stay there. STAY. STAY."
Just then a pretty blonde lady walked by and said, "You know, you won't have that problem if you just put the car in PARK."
Skydiving Test
A man has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father an old vet himself asks his son how it went.
"Well dad everyone else was nervous but I felt totally calm. Finally it came my turn to jump and I don't know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn't jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said "IF YOU DON"T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'LL STICK MY DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT'LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!"
"Damm son" the father said "did you jump?"
"Yeah, a little bit at first!"
November 04, 2012
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
Dead Rabbit
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Last Word
A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".
His friend: "What is the word?"
The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"
Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
October 22, 2012
Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Last Name
The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Best Surgeon in Texas
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
Unhappy Dwarf
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
October 17, 2012
Farm Help
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Top Quotes From the 2008 Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Female vs Male Friendships
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Brokeback Spiders
A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man
marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature
was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain shit going on here!"A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was. As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye. As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked. "Those spiders are mating, honey." "Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement. "A daddy long legs." "Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked. The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs." The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them. Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?" The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"
The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain shit going on here!"A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was. As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye. As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked. "Those spiders are mating, honey." "Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement. "A daddy long legs." "Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked. The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs." The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them. Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?" The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback mountain shit going on here!"
My Head, Your Wife
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the
constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't
resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash
trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming
head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"
September 22, 2012
Crazy Email
A husband and wife were taking a vacation to Miami to unthaw from the cold weather in north dakota. Due to the increase in air travel the couple was forced to take separate flights on separate days.
The husband flew first and when the plane landed and he got checked in he decided to send his wife an email. He didn't notice the he made a spelling error on the email address so it got sent to a widow that had just come back from her husband's funeral.
The widow checked her email because she expected to hear from friends and family. Right after she read the first email she fainted and her son ran into the room and saw his mom then read the screen. The email said: to my dearest wife i have arrived and got checked in, everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow evening at 4:30 can't wait to see you and we ghave some great neighbors.
Your devoted husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here!
Bubba's Sick
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. an hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Hospital Patient
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
Funny Little Johnny Joke - Gambling
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”
“DAMN!” said the father.
“What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.
Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”
Funny Animal Jokes
Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on!
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!
Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!
Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Beacuse of the honey combs!
Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?
A: A bee is an aeroplane!
A: Because they kept droning on and on!
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?
A: A maybe!
Q: What kind of bee can't be understood?
A: A mumble bee!
Q: Where do bees keep their money?
A: In a honey box!
Q: What TV station do bees watch?
A: Bee bee c one!
Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee?
A: Bee-hive yourself!
Q: Why did the bees go on strike?
A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Beacuse of the honey combs!
Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet?
A: A bee is an aeroplane!
September 16, 2012
Proud Mom
I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don’t want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it’s doing.
A Quiet Group
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
Out With the New
Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.
Explaining My Job
It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, “I’m a defense contractor.”
One of the guys was intrigued. “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
One of the guys was intrigued. “So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?”
September 11, 2012
Priest and His Baby
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
Top 10 Hilarious Quotes
1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
6- When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. [Hilarious Quotes] from my small nephew..
8- If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
9 - A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
6- When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. [Hilarious Quotes] from my small nephew..
8- If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
9 - A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Madonna Age Issues
Madonna has slammed journalists who mention her age in articles, alleging that this practice makes her appear "not that relevant".
According to a Hollywood fashion magazine the 53-year-old singer says that she has always noticed her age mentioned whenever something is written about her.
"Whenever someone writes anything about me, my age is right after name," an entertainment tabloid quoted Madonna as saying.
"It is almost like they are saying, "Here Madonna is, but remember, She is this age, so she is not that relevant anymore," Madonna added.
According to a Hollywood fashion magazine the 53-year-old singer says that she has always noticed her age mentioned whenever something is written about her.
"Whenever someone writes anything about me, my age is right after name," an entertainment tabloid quoted Madonna as saying.
"It is almost like they are saying, "Here Madonna is, but remember, She is this age, so she is not that relevant anymore," Madonna added.
Mafia Boss and his deaf book keeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
Naughty Answers
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************
Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time
Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.
Santa wrote back,
" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
****************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
***********************************
Husband asks:
"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
W ithout
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time
Wife replies:
" No,......
It means:
W ith
I diot
F or
E ver !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.
August 31, 2012
The Audit
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
the same time."
She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?
Four Worms
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!
Ear infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose
August 27, 2012
Joys of Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Help Doc
A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, I'm having trouble in the bedroom. I just can't get into it with my wife any more."
The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."
The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."
The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"
The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."
The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."
The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"
CDC Medical Alert
The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
REINCARNATION
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
Age Vs Wisdom
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
August 26, 2012
Perfect Eyesight
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week
Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
The Men's rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping
These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping
One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
No-Parking Zone
There was once a little girl and a little boy in kindergarten.
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
One day, the little boy pulled down his pants and asked the little girl, "what's this?"
"I don't know," the little girl replied, pulling down her pants and asking him the same question.
"I don't know," said the little boy.
The little girl goes home and asks her mother. She pulls down her pants and says, "mommy, what is this?"
"That's your garage, honey' the mother said, "don't let anyone park their car in it."
The little boy goes home and asks his father.
"What is this, daddy?"
"That's your car, son" he said, "park it in as many garages as you can."
The next day the little girl walks home to her mother with hands covered in blood.
"What happened?!" asked the mother.
"Well," said the little girl, "some boy tried to park his car in my garage, so I tore off his back wheels."
44th birthday
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came in to breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.
August 22, 2012
Lawyer vs Physician
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows:'Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. '
Funny Lawyer Jokes - 101
'I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
'Why do you say that?'
'Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'.'
Funny Lawyer Jokes
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Dogs
I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman…
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
“Mr Cook?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “That’s bullshit – my dog doesn’t have a bike!”
August 18, 2012
Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Hedge Clippers
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
My Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
Funny quotes
"Britain is not an island ... yes, yes it is, but ..."
- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
"The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised
surprised. "
- U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~
"President Bush is due to address nation at about 20
minute. "
- Peter Jennings, ABC News
"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
round, unlike fixed launchers. "
- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in
a moment. "
- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
"We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out his chest. "
- Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department,
cited in National Lampoon Calendar
- From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
in the park because people leave their butts on the beach. "
- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- From Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
"Men aged 18 and 25 must register for the proposal
their 18 birthday. "
- Create a U. S. Post Office
- From Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
- Unidentified general officer, re: the Gulf War.
- From Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
"It is obligatory for tenderer to demonstrate that the stated
performance can be achieved by the proposed
system. "
- Request for a variety of unidentified
potential customer
- From Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, almost
nobody had heard of RISC "
- Digital Marketing Study
- From Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
Sir James Spicer ... has officially opened at a toilet urinating
Valley first school in the neighborhood of Dorchester. "
- VNS # 2244 General News, January 23, 1990
- ~ Censored ~ Van Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Tensions in Latvia ... are tense ..."
- WBZ Radio, Boston, January 21, 1991, News
- From Gunars Zagare (Andover, MA, USA)
"If you could live here always, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live
forever, that's why I would not live forever, "
- Miss Alabama in 1994
- Miss USA competition.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. "
- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on another part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"The Lowdown villain deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey,
and I'm just the one to do it. "
- A Congressional candidate in Texas.
"I do not feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were large numbers of people who needed new land, and Indians
were selfishly trying to keep for themselves. "
- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It is not pollution that is harmful to the environment. Impurities
in our air and water that it does. "
- Unknown. This is due to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas
"I love California. I almost grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another "
- George Bush, U.S. president
"We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need"
- Lee Iacocca
"I was with additional input that was radically different
truth. I helped promote this version. "
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word" genius "is not applicable in football. A genius is a man who
Norman Einstein. "
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, Vice President
- Unidentified MP, on BBC Radio 4
"The president continues to surprise people, so I'm not surprised
surprised. "
- U. S. Defense Secy Cheney censored ~ ~
"President Bush is due to address nation at about 20
minute. "
- Peter Jennings, ABC News
"Mobile launchers are more difficult to detect because they move
round, unlike fixed launchers. "
- Katie Coucik, NBC News
- From Lowell McCulley (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will be resumed in
a moment. "
- Tom Brokaw, NBC News
- From Jeff E. Nelson (Nashua, NH, USA)
"We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp
object sticking out his chest. "
- Lt R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Department,
cited in National Lampoon Calendar
- From Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
"The City of Rochester (Michigan) is considering a ban on smoking
in the park because people leave their butts on the beach. "
- Announcer, WJR Radio, Detroit, MI
- From Jim Cotton (Novi, MI, USA)
"Men aged 18 and 25 must register for the proposal
their 18 birthday. "
- Create a U. S. Post Office
- From Bruce Stadler (Dallas, TX, USA)
"We have to expect it, otherwise we would be surprised."
- Unidentified general officer, re: the Gulf War.
- From Thierry Ciot (Valbonne, France)
"It is obligatory for tenderer to demonstrate that the stated
performance can be achieved by the proposed
system. "
- Request for a variety of unidentified
potential customer
- From Kass Antanaitis (Canberra, Australia)
"Although some functional managers had heard of RISC, almost
nobody had heard of RISC "
- Digital Marketing Study
- From Ken Berkun (Hong Kong)
Sir James Spicer ... has officially opened at a toilet urinating
Valley first school in the neighborhood of Dorchester. "
- VNS # 2244 General News, January 23, 1990
- ~ Censored ~ Van Binder (Nashua, NH, USA)
"Tensions in Latvia ... are tense ..."
- WBZ Radio, Boston, January 21, 1991, News
- From Gunars Zagare (Andover, MA, USA)
"If you could live here always, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we can not live
forever, that's why I would not live forever, "
- Miss Alabama in 1994
- Miss USA competition.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life. "
- Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on another part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"The Lowdown villain deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey,
and I'm just the one to do it. "
- A Congressional candidate in Texas.
"I do not feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were large numbers of people who needed new land, and Indians
were selfishly trying to keep for themselves. "
- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It is not pollution that is harmful to the environment. Impurities
in our air and water that it does. "
- Unknown. This is due to:
Al Gore, Vice President
Dan Quayle, Vice President
George W. Bush, Governor of Texas
"I love California. I almost grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another "
- George Bush, U.S. president
"We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need"
- Lee Iacocca
"I was with additional input that was radically different
truth. I helped promote this version. "
- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word" genius "is not applicable in football. A genius is a man who
Norman Einstein. "
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, Vice President
Twenty hilarious funny quotes
1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. (My personal favorite funny quotes)
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.
August 16, 2012
Common Sense
A cow was kept for observation.
KG student : Its a cow!!
UG student : Perhaps this is a cow !!
PG : This may be cow or a hypopigmented buffalo!!
PHD : Dis may b a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies!!
Moral: The more you study, the more your common sense decreases !! :D :P
KG student : Its a cow!!
UG student : Perhaps this is a cow !!
PG : This may be cow or a hypopigmented buffalo!!
PHD : Dis may b a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies!!
Moral: The more you study, the more your common sense decreases !! :D :P
A donkey called Dobbin
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, ‘Pull, Dolly, pull!’ Dobbin didn’t move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, ‘Pull, Robbie, pull.’ Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, ‘Pull, Ringo, pull.’ Again – nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, ‘Pull, Dobbin, pull.’ Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, ‘Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.’
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, ‘Pull, Dolly, pull!’ Dobbin didn’t move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, ‘Pull, Robbie, pull.’ Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, ‘Pull, Ringo, pull.’ Again – nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, ‘Pull, Dobbin, pull.’ Immediately the donkey easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Desmond was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his donkey by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, ‘Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.’
Teacher’s Pet
At the end of the school tear the kindergarten was saying farewell and accepting small gifts from her pupils who were sad to be leaving.
The son of the florist handed her something – which she took and held over her head. “I know what this is. It’s flowers!”
“Yes,” said the boy. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told him.
The next student was the daughter of the candy shop owner. The teacher took her gift and once again placed it over her head. “I know what this is,” she said. “A box full of candy!”
“Yes,” said the daughter. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told her.
The next student was the son from the owner of the liquor store. The teacher took the gift and placed it over her head again and found that it was leaking. She touch the drop that fell on her hand and placed it on her tongue.
“Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy, who was excited that she couldn’t guess.
The teacher then tried to taste even more of the leakage. “What about champagne?”
“No”
“I give up,” said the teacher.
With excitement the boy told her, “It’s a puppy!”
The son of the florist handed her something – which she took and held over her head. “I know what this is. It’s flowers!”
“Yes,” said the boy. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told him.
The next student was the daughter of the candy shop owner. The teacher took her gift and once again placed it over her head. “I know what this is,” she said. “A box full of candy!”
“Yes,” said the daughter. “How did you know that?”
“Just a guess,” she told her.
The next student was the son from the owner of the liquor store. The teacher took the gift and placed it over her head again and found that it was leaking. She touch the drop that fell on her hand and placed it on her tongue.
“Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy, who was excited that she couldn’t guess.
The teacher then tried to taste even more of the leakage. “What about champagne?”
“No”
“I give up,” said the teacher.
With excitement the boy told her, “It’s a puppy!”
In jail…
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: “I got 12 inches over here you would love to have.” The female response was: “Well, spit it out it isn’t yours.
August 15, 2012
3 Detectives
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
“This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
“So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
“This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
Blonde Year in Review
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.
March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 – 4 years”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?
October- Hate M&M’s – they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December – Couldn’t dial 911- duh – there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.
March – Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 – 4 years”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.
September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?
October- Hate M&M’s – they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December – Couldn’t dial 911- duh – there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.
Three Kings Joke
Little Bobby was sitting in class when the teacher asked him “Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and joy into people’s lives?” To which little Bobby replied “Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king”.
collection of "kid jokes/joke", "kids funny jokes"
* How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!
* Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
* What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
* What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
* What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
* What is a myth?
A female moth!
* How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
* What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
* How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
* How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
* What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
* What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
* What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
* What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
* What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
* Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
By norse code!
* Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
* What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
* What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
* What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
* What is a myth?
A female moth!
* How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Just one if it's long enough!
* What cheese is made backwards?
Edam?
This match won't light!
* How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!
* How did your mum know you hadn't washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
* What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
* What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
* What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
* What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
* What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!
* Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!
August 03, 2012
An attorney passed on and found
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ‘Who do you think has all of the judges!’
Lawyer quickies 2
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
No…Really…
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Lawyer Hunting Regulations!
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
July 29, 2012
Last Word
A man to his friend: “At my house I always say the last word”.
His friend: “What is the word?”
The man: “I am sorry. Forgive me”
His friend: “What is the word?”
The man: “I am sorry. Forgive me”
Beggar
Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book
“How to Cook” !!
Husband : Why?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book
“How to Cook” !!
No Drinking or Gambling
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
Female vs Male Friendships
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his
wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his
wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
July 26, 2012
Motor Accident
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
1 ounce
A woman has a brain tomber and 1 ounce of her brain is removed. So she goes to a futuristic store to buy an ounce of brain. She asks the prices and the clerk replies,”depends on what your looking for.”" So the the Woman asks “”rocket Scientist.”" Clerk Replies “”$10
not driving by the rules
there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said “do u know how fast you were going?” duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.
Funny Inheritance Joke
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”
A list of tax jokes.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?
Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?
His co-workers.
What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?
A Doberman.
What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
July 25, 2012
Not my job…
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Fing French Toast
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some f***ing French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his bad language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more f***ing French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the f***ing French toast
No Baby Talk
One day a teacher asked her students to tell her about a book they read without using baby talk.
The first student raised his hand and said I read a book about a “Choo Choo Train.” The teacher said that was baby talk and moved onto the next student.
I read a book about a “brum Brum.” “Nope.” The teacher said/ “Thats baby talk!”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said ” You don’t want baby talk?!” Little Johnny asked. “No” Said the teacher. “Ok then, I read a book about Whinnie the Shit!”
The first student raised his hand and said I read a book about a “Choo Choo Train.” The teacher said that was baby talk and moved onto the next student.
I read a book about a “brum Brum.” “Nope.” The teacher said/ “Thats baby talk!”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said ” You don’t want baby talk?!” Little Johnny asked. “No” Said the teacher. “Ok then, I read a book about Whinnie the Shit!”
Johnny’s Dead Dog
Little Johnny was walking to school with his dog,who was going to be his show and tell project.When he was about 1/2 mile away from school,the dog ran into the street and was hit by a car.He died immediately.So Johnny went to school with a heavy heart that day.
During class,the teacher asked Johnny why he didn’t have his show and tell project.
“My dog got hit by a car on my way to school.I’m sure gonna miss his ass.” said Johnny.
“Johnny,we do not use the word ass in this room.We use the word rectum”. Exclaimed the teacher.
“Rectum!?,It fucking killed him!” Said Johnny
During class,the teacher asked Johnny why he didn’t have his show and tell project.
“My dog got hit by a car on my way to school.I’m sure gonna miss his ass.” said Johnny.
“Johnny,we do not use the word ass in this room.We use the word rectum”. Exclaimed the teacher.
“Rectum!?,It fucking killed him!” Said Johnny
There are teachers… And there are EDUCATORS
A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would kiss the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.
To explain how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THERE ARE TEACHERS…. AND THEN THERE AR
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would kiss the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.
To explain how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THERE ARE TEACHERS…. AND THEN THERE AR
Little Shits
A kindergarten teacher has decided that her mission in life is to eradicate baby talk and get the kids to use “Big People Wordsâ€. One day at Show-and-Tell, the children are talking about their weekends.
“I went to the park and rode on the choo-choo.â€
She responds, “No, Michael. You rode on the train. Remember your Big People Words.â€
“Mommy took me to the park to feed the duckies.â€
The teacher notes, “Big People Words, Rosanna. Mommy took you to feed the ducks.â€
Little Amelia is next. “Mommy and Daddy and me went to visit Nana.â€
“You mean your grandmother. We use Big People Words in this class, remember?â€
Brave young Eric decides to test his luck.
“I read a book this weekend, Ms. Jones!â€
“You did? Good for you! What book did you read, then?â€
So far, so good. Eric frowns, considering his words carefully.
“The book was called … Winnie the Shit!â€
“I went to the park and rode on the choo-choo.â€
She responds, “No, Michael. You rode on the train. Remember your Big People Words.â€
“Mommy took me to the park to feed the duckies.â€
The teacher notes, “Big People Words, Rosanna. Mommy took you to feed the ducks.â€
Little Amelia is next. “Mommy and Daddy and me went to visit Nana.â€
“You mean your grandmother. We use Big People Words in this class, remember?â€
Brave young Eric decides to test his luck.
“I read a book this weekend, Ms. Jones!â€
“You did? Good for you! What book did you read, then?â€
So far, so good. Eric frowns, considering his words carefully.
“The book was called … Winnie the Shit!â€
Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
July 20, 2012
He is still celebrating his freedom
Wife: Hey! look at that funny guy who has drunk a lot..
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Well, 5 years ago, he was my boy friend and i denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Monkeys Jokes
A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it's not allowed.
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.'
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.'
Animal jokes
First snake: I hope I'm not poisonous. Second snake: Why? First snake: Because I bit my lip!
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo. "And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that. "
Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.
What's green and has wheels? A Frog I lied about the wheels
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo. "And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that. "
Two goldfish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.
What's green and has wheels? A Frog I lied about the wheels
July 19, 2012
wank club
I’m British and so I use the word wank a lot. If you didn’t know
wank means masturbate.
I found out something funny during the film Fight Club.
In the scene when Brad Pitt is explaining the rules change the
word fight for wank. Try this the next time you watch the film.
One of the best line is “when someone goes limp, taps out the
wank is over…”
wank means masturbate.
I found out something funny during the film Fight Club.
In the scene when Brad Pitt is explaining the rules change the
word fight for wank. Try this the next time you watch the film.
One of the best line is “when someone goes limp, taps out the
wank is over…”
Some Star Wars: A New Hope Questions Answered
Many people seem to not enjoy these movies because they think “that could
never happen” and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)
Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn’t stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they’ve indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.
Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.
Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That’s where the rubber band fits.
Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn’t notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.
Q: Why can Death Star’s prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.
Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.
Q: Why doesn’t Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.
Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn’t make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like “Chewbacca and his master.” I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han’s relationship
with Chewie; the response was, “Nothing like that, we’re just good
friends.”
Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn’t he
change Luke’s name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.
never happen” and things like that. These are the answers to the most
commonly asked questions. Hopefully, you will finally find peace.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (Episode V + VI to come)
Q: Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it doesn’t stop
laser blasts?
A: Because they’ve indoctrinated the entire population to be scared
shitless of people in white armor.
Q: How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
A: A real big rubber band.
Q: Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
A: That’s where the rubber band fits.
Q: If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn’t notice Han
Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
A: He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing seemed
so familiar.
Q: Why can Death Star’s prison doors be opened without a key of any kind?
A: Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.
Q: Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end in the
first place?
A: It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are sort of
like Swiss Army knives.
Q: Why doesn’t Chewie get a medal at the end?
A: Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club: medals
are against his religion.
Q: How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like a human, and
other times like a pet (patting him on the head)?
A: It would seem Lucas couldn’t make up his mind. Several early drafts of
the script include descriptions like “Chewbacca and his master.” I once
read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between Han Solo
and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han’s relationship
with Chewie; the response was, “Nothing like that, we’re just good
friends.”
Q: If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why didn’t he
change Luke’s name?
A: I have not the remotest idea.
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